When success is on its way, joy comes in the morning. Smile knocks at your door, having happiness in his backpack. Sometimes I just wish. I just wish these bliss moments wouldn't end but my wishes never joined forces with my doings. They always did the otherwise. In and out. That was how I explained my Christianity. I always doubted myself whether I was doing the right thing. Too many times I've asked for forgiveness than actually thanking him. Too many times I stood before the alter to give my life to him and made him lose control again. Well according to the bible if I'm being right, God forgives us 77*7 times, but I've lost count of how many times I've been in his presence seeking forgiveness. I was only optimistic by tongue but deep down, I couldn't even think of a good thing. They tell us not to fight back, we should fight forward. What if I didn't know how to fight at all? I had a date with destiny and that dude didn't even know my name by then, but I've written my name in his books now and I'm about to be newly blessed being. Something is about to happen. Something extraordinary. Blessing I am never going to forget. I used to exclaim, 'save me now before I give up'. That dark part of me has been washed away now. I sent them to the lion's den. But who am I without my past? I used to walk around, grabbing fear in the hand wherever I go. You know, there is this period when God controls your heart and the devil is in charge of your mind, creating negative thoughts that you wished weren't popping up but very hard to mute them. Having motivational quotes that suited my foolishness like, 'Expect disappointment and you will never be disappointed.' I always had a bible but I only saw it on Sundays, didn't even give it that much respect. With me, the head and the heart were always enemies. When the word of God hits me, I remember to be good but I don't know what happens after that makes me forget all his teachings within a day and then I go back to my normal ways. I'm not the only person feeling like this. Let me give it to the writer so he could share his own thoughts.
The thing is, we blind our eyes with being too good that we think we are always right. We claim to be worried about tomorrow when we also tell ourselves that tomorrow never comes. We can't continue to laugh at the same joke but can cry over the same problem. Isn't it annoying and embarrassing how we see people talk about God only on Sundays. What if life is not a race? What if it's a story with everyone having their role to play? What if during judgement, God asks you if you accomplished your task on earth? What would you say? Did you even know your task at all? Trust me, you can never let go of your mistakes. They are part of you. You just have to, earn from them for without disgust, beauty can never exist. 'Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in yours?' Jesus asked. You know, a group of gossips hide the grudges they have between each other. Try splitting them a little and then everything comes out. How do you differentiate between luck and blessings? I think luck is just a form of blessing that God sprinkles on us whenever we ask for favour. So why do people claim God doesn't exist when they end up using the 'luck' in all their success stories? You always love to be who you are now just because people tell you they love you just the way you are. You never sit back to reminisce on whether whatever you are doing might affect someone elsewhere who has kept mute of how you are hurting them. As the ones who acknowledge you keep growing, you on the other hand are still where you are, not exploring anything new just because they keep hailing you for who you are now. Why stress yourselves locked up in thoughts, with our hearts filled with dismay when all these motivational speakers did not make their theories from the same experience. Now, back to the main motive, Jesus is not a weekend thing. I'm even the type who only writes gospel poems on Sundays. The world is evolving and the youth are kind of changing that now but come on, people only pray during the weekdays when there is food before them or when they are in trouble. Trust me, meekness is not weakness. You can't be using the excuse that people might think you are weird every day. Deep down, I'm trying to heal. All the devils I fight within seem to be winning a part of me, but I just need time. I can't be saved at once. I'll keep fighting till I could feel the Holy Spirit again for I have fallen short of his glory. And even if I can only crawl, I know I will be healed, it's just time. They tell you not to grow too fast. They also tell that in order to be a man, you have to abandon the boy but that's what's made me who I am today. I am nothing without my past. In and out, that's how I term my Christianity to be sometimes. In, only when it's Sunday and I love to be cloaked in white. Out, almost all the time because I feel that I am saved and sometimes I don't even know if I am doing the right thing. "Save me now before I give up" looped in my mind every time. Those words became a mantra, a silent prayer that I whispered to myself whenever the weight of my doubts and mistakes pressed down on me. I know I will be saved. I just have to keep the pace at which I worship him. Jesus is not a weekend thing. Stop treating him like a stranger. Let him in, for he's been knocking since. Thank you dear
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MEMORIES, OUCH!
AdventureOnce upon a time, I never thought I'd say that phrase, as stories often end with a happily ever after. But this story didn't even have an ending, and I apologize in advance for whatever happens in it. So, grab a seat and let me share my side.
