The Blurred Lines

• Guilt Trip •

This time I thought, I will lead the entire thing and that, I am having his support, I have him, and oh! What a loser I am to think so! I was winning till Agastya didn't play and I lost the moment he stepped into the battle field. It has always been a fucking battle field around us. Does that mean I can only win when he is not playing? Does that mean only he can hurt me? 

NO! 

I won't let him win. I didn't. I saw how frustrated he was all the time for not being able to taste a drop of alcohol because we didn't go home for there was a lot of work. I saw him fighting his urge. That day, I felt pity but now that I look back, I don't feel a thing. Or have I forced myself to not feel a thing for him? Contradictions to my own actions arise in my mind but I cast them out. 

I am also capable of hurting him (and myself). I just burned the love letters and all the photographs of him and Natasha, he had kept as a memory in his office drawers. I burned them all. In front of his eyes and he couldn't do anything. I won! Didn't I? 

Agastya Raichand can't be my end. 

Or has he become a prize, all my struggles would lead to? Or was I simply jealous of a deceased woman? I let out my anger on her and him because how can he break my heart every freaking time? Why does my heart beat for him at the first place? 

YOU ARE FUCKED UP LAVANYA. 

"Ma'am? Can I come in?" I look up to find Rishita on the door of my cabin. She seems hesitant and worried for me, I can read it on her face. What else an employee as kind as her can think of when she gets to see her boss all broken. My face is stained with tears, my hair are dripping, my dress is clinging to my body like a second skin and I am cold. I don't have the energy to even nod at her. 

"Ma'am. I am here to help. Shall I pass you on, another pair of clothes?" Her voice is timid and sweet to which I slightly nod. My eyes are fixed on nothingness yet I can feel her moving around, hearing the sound of opening of the cupboard, where I had kept an extra pair of clothes for emergency. She took a minute to grab the essentials. Rishita makes her way to me with towels, and begin helping me with my hair while I hug myself with the help of other towels. My body finally experiences some warmth. 

"Rishita." I call out her name sadly and she hums in response, telling me that she's listening. I know she is just an employee, not a friend but something about her made me regret my actions. She's so kind and I? I am losing myself. I want to confide my mistakes. It's true that among the ninety nine percent of selfish crowd, someone else's one percent of kindness can shift something within you. 

"Do you recognize me?" I hold her hands in mine, looking at her for an answer.

"What do you mean ma'am?" She asks innocently.

"Am I the same person you met on the first day? Or am I changed? Cruel. Ruthless. Sad. Torn. Heartless. Just like him." I breathe. My eyes go wide at the horrific realization that how pathetic and mean I have become. How can I do that? And most importantly why did I do that? How can I burn Agastya and Natasha's photos and that too purposely?

"Like who?"

"Like Agastya. Or maybe worse than him. Because if not me, he at least cares about you all. But look at me Rishita. In order to win, I have lost my empathy. I don't care about the team, but his failure. I don't care about his pain, but my own heartbreak. I have become heartless and hurtful that I have burned his fond memories of her. I went personal in a professional tiff. I crossed the line. I wasn't like this Rishita. I didn't come here so mad and driven. What is happening-"