#JustWriteBits - Anthology

Oct 23 - Past Lives by @mia_s_thoughts

Past Lives by mia_s_thoughts

This October night is as lifeless as the shiny puddles that reflect the glimmer of a distant restaurant but not the inside sounds of the laughter, violin and toasting glasses. It resembles a home with nobody to return to. With its dusty chairs and empty beds that lay by themselves in the darkness.

The dawn has stolen the vibrant colors of the fallen rusty leaves and now I am standing just like one of their own under my transparent umbrella. I step on the wet pavement with care not to destroy the nature's canvas and listen to the symphony rising from the collision of rain and mundane decorations of the park. It was this perfect concert where water droplets hit the strings of an acoustic guitar that nobody has touched for years.

The air is chilly and it smells like a memory. It echoes in my mind the endless sleepless nights I used to kill by trying to put my feelings into words. But it seems to me, some feelings are far too complex to be described by only a human. It teased my mind wherever I went and they wouldn't let go. Truth being told, I would be too lonely without them, so maybe I was not that eager of letting go. But how can I? There are traces of us all around, pieces scattered in someone's lost thoughts. Memories never really fade for good, there will be a glimpse on a rainy day like this, or on a snowy holiday. This kind of memories are not evanescent, people that hold those memories are.

Under the intimacy of a badly illuminating lamp post I take out the phone to say my last goodbye to you.

My chest rises along with the call beeps and I hold my breath when your voice breaks the silence "Hey, isn't it late?"

Time zone differences were not bothering me as much "It's not that late. Are you free to talk?"

"Sure, honey. Are you okay?"

I think my raspy voice gives me away "I am fine. How is the London weather treating you?"

"You know how much I hate the rain. It's pouring round-the-clock here."

You see, I love the rain. "Same here."

"You sure you are alright? You seem off."

"There is no easy way to say this." I bit my lower lip until I feel the metallic taste of the blood "I have been meaning to tell you for awhile, I think we should break up."

"Ellie, don't do that." he is squealing "Not over the freaking phone. That can't be us."

"I am seeing someone. That can't be us either. Cheating and lying is not us."

I was secretly hoping you will hang up when the silence became unbearable "When?"

"Six months ago."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter, we are not committed."

"Matters to me."

"Sam."

"Sam? Sam from work? Sam that is just a friend and you have nothing to worry about, that Sam?"

I saw it coming. I never liked Sam, not like that. Until he made a big deal out of Sam. We fought for so many times because of Sam that I even avoided the guy. Then I felt mistreated and I felt like I was not granted the trust and respect I have earned over the years. I felt offended, so I started seeing Sam more often.

"It wasn't like that until you made it like that."

"So, what? Are you blaming it on me now? The guts though." he is furious and high-pitched.

"I know it is not an excuse. And I know about Sarah." Sarah was the girl I saw him kissing when I decided to pay him a surprise visit.

"Sarah was not in the picture 6 months ago." he accuses.

"That's not an excuse either."

"I know." he softens "We can do couple therapy. And I will be back to you in 2 months."

I rub my belly "I am expecting." It was a low kick from me. I was not planning on telling him.

"Is Sam in the picture?"

"Like I have said before, we are not committed." Tears fall on my flaming cheeks from the corner of my eyes, racing towards the sharp edges of my face.

"Will you keep it?"

"Yeah." knowing him for ten years I felt his reluctance from thousands of kilometers. "That is not my intention, what I mean is, I really am calling you to say goodbye."

"If you expect me to beg, I won't."

"I have no expectations. I only wanted to say goodbye."

"Don't to this to me, to us. We deserve better."

"That is the reason I am coming clean about how I really feel. You deserve better."

"Give us another shot, it might be the three of us."

"Adam, I haven't been loving you for a really long time now. My kind of love for you, is not marriage material. "

"We can make this work."

"I am really sorry." After another suffocating hiatus I add "Sayonara."

"Don't, don't hang up on me. I will be on the next flight to Tokyo." We moved in a rush to Tokyo 8 years ago, because of my job. He hated the city and I hated the way he hated it, because I was so enchanted by it.

"Adam, please don't make it any harder than it already is."

"You seem damn confident for a woman without a plan. You fool yourself if you think you can do this alone."

"I am not alone."

"You know what I mean."

"That, I will figure it out."

"Life doesn't work like that. You don't dive in without a strategy and hope for the better. You hear me? You are screwed."

Some may call him honest, I would say he is just cruel. Probably, it's when he became like this when I stopped loving him. I don't realize what was the exact moment or the last drop. One day, he just came late from work and I pretended to be asleep, because just thinking about making love to him was making me nauseous. It felt like we are two strangers sharing a room holding onto a dream of finding happiness together. But two miserable humans cannot burry their troubles and then not talk about it.

"There will always be a part of me that will love you."

"You don't dare say that to the person you cheated on."

"Adam, goodbye."

I hear a squeak on the other side of the phone and I hang up because I didn't want to remember him like this.

There were million of feelings I thought I would feel once I make the phone call. But none of those were right. I was not relieved, ashamed, or feeling guilty nor trapped. I was feeling anxious. It was the taste of a fresh start, the kind of feeling you get when you move to another country or dump the person you spent an entire life with. But it was different now. I was no longer running.

I can't deny the fear rising and the worries clouding my mind, but the ray of sunshine that beats all that up is about to see the world in 5 months.

It is so strange how all my life I made all the bad choices for myself, because they were easier and now I can't do the same.

I stare at the screen light, feeling hypnotized and unsure of what should I do next. But I look at the buoyant puddles that reflect the glimmer of the distant restaurant and decide to be part of the noise I was so afraid of joining.