In Between

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟏

【 Look at me, I feel homesick - Right Now】

I go for a surf the next morning, and I feel eternally grateful of living so close the the ocean. It really feels like a part of me at this point, and there's something so poetic about it. The way the waves live their whole lives in a couple seconds, call me cheesy but I love it. Even though I'm home I can't help feeling homesick in some way. I guess I've been feeling this way for a while now, even though it doesn't seem like it since I'm going on dates with guys -okay, one date, with one guy, but it counts - I can't help feeling so...empty. It kind of feels like when I went through my academic burn out in grade 9 and I couldn't bring myself to not cry about something stupid,  it's different though. It's so similar but so different at the same time.

The waves are crashing around me as I keep paddling in, I've been here for a while, I can't quite tell how long, I always lose track of time when surfing, more like I always lose track of time. It's so quiet I can't hear anything but my thoughts, but that might also be because I'm the only one out here. I mean it was 5:30 when I left the house because I couldn't sleep because of how excited I was after Baxter, but then it just hit me, that emptiness. Yeah, it was super fun and I had fun, but was that really it? It felt more like we were okay friends instead of me having a crush on him, like I didn't really get nervous for the things I should've been nervous about. And I still can't get out of my mind the words that came out of Marlon's mouth on that call. I sit on my board after paddling for a couple minutes and look around at the light blue ocean, shaking the two boys out of my mind, and concentrating on my surroundings. A big wave starts forming and I turn around and start paddling to catch the wave. A popped up and started doing some turns. When the wave got to its end I started paddling to the end of the beach, I found my bag with all my clothes and the book I packed still intact, as well as my phone, my wallet, and a towel I wrap around my waist after drying my hair. The sun's hitting my skin and I can pretty much feel myself getting tanner and tanner, not really what I need but sure. I scavenge for my keys in my very messy bag and head over to my car, board in hand. I not very carefully set it in the back of my car, and start driving to my house. "Everywhere, Everything" by Noah Kahan and Gracie Abrams playing from the speakers of my car. I decide to take the long way home, driving past neighborhoods that wouldn't be necessary to go through if I could just be normal and go the conventional way. I pass Ari's house, and I notice he's with Marlon, which is kind of weird since their friendship was a little, how can I say it, complicated after the accident, I'd rather not talk about it, since I still feel guilty about it, I would literally cry myself to sleep every night if I was stuck in the hospital and my friends didn't come to see me, nice one Marlon, another reason why I shouldn't trust too much what he says. I can tell they saw me driving by, since their eyes linger on the back of my truck, that has a sticker that says "Getaway Car", there's not really a way of hiding that it's me. I see them from the distance, and they've looked away going back to what they were doing before. I needed to talk to Marlon about Baxter and his stupid board, that wouldn't be today though, I had work, at the grocery store, not the most exciting plans ever, but the money's good. 

I'm a few minutes away from my house, I can't help being excited about eating the rest of the mint chocolate chip that's left on the fridge. "Feels like" by Gracie Abrams is coming out of the speakers of my car, and I find myself not being able to resist singing at the top of my lungs. By the time the song is over, I've made it to my house, I admit that I stayed in the car a bit longer so I could finish singing the masterpiece. I grab my stuff, and head inside, leaving the board in the back of my truck, mainly because of the lack of motivation I have of grabbing it and putting it away. I open the door of my house, and I'm welcomed with the surprise that my mom's baking red velvet cookies, my favourite, oh boy, something's wrong, she wouldn't be baking MY favourite type of cookies if something that will make me miserable wasn't about to happen or hadn't already happened and she was trying to make it up to me. 

"Hi, Cece, do you want a cookie?" My mom said, bringing a plate filled with cookies to me so I would grab one. Breathe in, breathe out, it will be fine, nothing's wrong, maybe she just felt like baking. I took the cookie to my mouth and chewed slowly, holy smokes it's so good. She was just staring at me while I ate with a smile that couldn't mean anything good. She waited until I finished chewing and said. "I have something to tell you." Okay straight to the point, breathe in, breathe out, don't cry, there's nothing wrong. At least not yet since I have no idea what she has to tell me.

"What's up? Is there something wrong?" I said swiftly.

"Okay, so, you're dad's coming home tomorrow." I let the words that just came out of my mom's mouth sink in. Is she joking? "I know it's short notice, but he called today and said that he wanted to talk to you. He's not coming for that long, he has a ton of work." 

"Oh, that's okay. It's good, actually." It was not okay, and it wasn't good, there's no way that my dad being home would be described with those words. My dad, well, how can I describe my relationship with him with another word than complicated. He's very harsh, he has very but very high expectations in me, and when someone doesn't meet his expectations, well all I have to say is good luck. And I'm pretty sure all of this is about me not making it into the state team, there's nothing else that would make him come home right now and put his work aside. Oh fudge, I'm gonna get yelled at like I have never before, maybe I could just sleep  over at Poppy's? He has no idea that she's away, it's a good plan, no one can disagree.

"Oh, yeah...I honestly expected you to cry and freak out." She said in a tone that let me know that she didn't believe a word that I was saying, still hesitating a bit. 

"Why would I do that?" 

"I don't know, um, anyway I have some errands to run." She walked towards me and kissed my forehead. "I'll see you later." 

Once the door closed, I let myself freak out, tears were streaming down my face, when I know they shouldn't, I should be happy that my dad's coming home, isn't that what everyone wants? Both of their parents to be at the same house. It's not that my parents are divorced, they're actually still together, but for a while I've wished they weren't together anymore, everything just seems more peaceful and easier when my dad's not home, and I can say that my mom agrees, we've talked about this before, not the divorce part, but the rest, and vaguely she agreed with me. Sometimes I just wish we were a more functional (?) family, I wish my dad wasn't so harsh, and I wish he could be proud of me for once.