celestial strings | h.js

five.

"How can you help? You can't help me! You were escalating the situation and making everything tenser than it already was! I had it all under control!" You returned the exclamation but did not move from your spot. You had all of your frustration contained within your body, waiting for the perfect time for it to explode. "Had you kept that up, maybe an actual fight would have broken out. Then what, huh? I have to save your ass again because you can never help me!"

You were right. He would never be strong enough to help you; your family issue and your position in your home city were beyond the scope of his ability. He was just a boy, and even if he grew older, what was human flesh before the blade of magic? Not much. Everything you said was right, but they were not to be said, especially by you. You were not allowed to make him feel inferior because of something he could not control.

You made him feel like a baggage you had to drag behind you. You made him feel like a burden.

Jisung shrunk back at your words, his heart beating in shatters of glass. He backed away when you tried to take a hesitant step forward and refused to look at you.

"Jisung, I'm sorry, I didn't–" you flinched when he backed away again, "mean it. I didn't mean it."

"Please leave me be," he whispered. "I don't want to see you right now."

You panted with the shivers in your body as you watched him walk away. Your sight blurred with water and the ringing in your head grew as low as an ambulance's alarm. There was a hole in your eyes that blinded you from anything and everything and forced you to act upon instincts only. This was your senses being piled into disarray; it felt like you were slowly descending into madness. You wouldn't like it if you had the ability to process your emotions a all.

Not a single thought traveled through your brain as you walked fast, trying to catch up with Jisung. Your hands ripped at your bag for strings, and you hastily latched onto the sparkly white string. A blank canvas to start things over, a blank towel to wipe the dirt on, a string to erase important memories.

Jisung gasped in shock when you suddenly appeared before him. Your eyes were blank bullet holes with no shades of life in them, and you moved like a robot as you grabbed onto his shoulder and forced him in place. He furrowed his brows in concern when he saw the strings on your wrist glowing brightly.

Magic. On him. Again. You and your fucking magic.

He shoved you away hard, causing you to stumble back a few steps and regain your consciousness. His blood boiled with anger—god, he has never been this mad at you. He was afraid of what he would say at such a hectic time like this. But why should he care? You didn't care when you said everything you did.

"You used magic on me again!" he exclaimed, annoyed and utterly fed up. But he has no idea what words he was spilling out his mouth, and his heart hammered against the trap his sudden boldness locked it in. He would never say his, he should never say this. Why was he doing this? "I literally just told you I don't like it, and you went ahead and did it again! It's like you just do whatever you want, which you do! You can just up and leave your home forever, and you can just destroy a car if you so asked–I do not care if you did it to save me!"

You never thought of a single occasion where you acted out on your own, but if Jisung said so then maybe you did. He was right.

You shook your head immediately, realizing you had made a grave mistake. "I'm sorry–"

"Good lord, that is all you do. All you do is apologize." Jisung furrowed his brows at you, his eyes mercilessly cold and hurtful as he glared at you. "Get a grip, [Name], please. And stop ruining everything for once."

It was all your fault. This argument, today being crowded, the cat café being hard to find, your uncle being in a coma, Minho's desire to tarnish his fated relationship, your family's eventful death, your solitude for years, Jisung looking at you with distaste, you being born. Everything was your fault. It was all your fault. There was nothing good coming for you, and there has never been.

You picked at your nails, feeling weights trapped at your ankles and reeling you backwards into the cave Jisung helped you out of.

Things were gradually heading back to square one for you. It could be a momentary lapse, but a moment was enough for you to make a decision that could cost you everything you have earned and gained thus far. Your friends, your life, your love—everything gone within a blink of an eye. This felt like the beginning of the lapse; you could do nothing to stop yourself from spiraling.

All you needed to do was leave and never appear again.

"I'm..." You caught the apology at your throat and refused its escape. A tear rolled past your eye, but you could not see the way Jisung softened immediately.

"Don't guilt-trip me," Jisung muttered as he looked away. His knuckles were white from gripping the straps of his bag. "Just leave me alone. I don't want to see you right now."

He has all the right to be mad. You knew that to heart. You hurt his feelings enough for him to churn himself over and act like this. Deeply enough that he chose to walk away from you when your image of him was that he would never leave you first. This was your fault. Your soulmate leaving you was your fault because you weren't smart enough to fix this.

You weren't smart enough to save this situation, nor yourself, nor your uncle, nor your friends, nor anything.

Your existence was a rejection of life. That was your fate, and nobody was present to tell you otherwise.