fortnite - l. haechan

chap 8

eventually (thankfully) haechan and his little 2 minions had to go back to practice, so i was left alone much to my delight. i needed some time to process all of this.

i just decide to scroll on insta, and i happen to see sehun, yunjin, and yejun all posting each other on their stories.

you see, im not a real jealous person. at least, i like to think i'm not. but i guess the fear of everyone not really liking me and eventually leaving me overpowers every emotion in me.

its not like they arent allowed to hang out together without me, but it still makes me a bit sad, you know? like they dont think me being around would be enjoyable.

and i try to tell myself that its really never that serious, but theres only so much i can tell myself. i'm not mad at my friends, of course, because i love them.

but it just makes my heart ache a bit to know they are hanging out without me.

all i really want in life is for someone to think about me unprompted. for them to invite me without me saying anything.

it's little actions like that that i crave, but i always feel like those standards are too high.

but, those emotions will always just stay pent up inside me.

i absolutely despise confrontation, so i just try to act like im nonchalant instead. like nothing every affects me. never getting mad, never getting sad, never showing any serious emotion.

even if i wanted to confront one of my friends for saying something that hurt my feelings, i would be too afraid of conflict. im afraid that saying something will make me lose them. so i just keep my mouth shut and tell myself to get over it.

thinking about it now, it sounds like i have a serious problem. i have so many problems nowadays that i dont even know what to do.

so i just try my best to forget about them. thats all i can do, honestly. im so afraid of confrontation that i cant even confront my own fears. its kind of funny, in a way. confronting them will make it real.

i guess i'm just kind of hoping they all will somehow resolve themselves in my heart. maybe i'll just wake up one day and everything will magically be fixed.

i've thought about it for so long, and i dont know how to deal with my problems. so i just settle for forgetting about them.

theres probably like a million internal problems brewing in my heart at this point, but theres no going back. i started it, so i guess i gotta finish it.

i think a lot of those problems would be relieved if i just had someone who i knew i was the first choice for. i just want to feel loved, honestly. i always put up walls, but its not like i dont want people to break them.

in fact, those walls are meant to be broken. i want someone to care enough to try for me and break down those walls. they might look sturdy, but really just a flick will bring them crashing down.

i hate being left alone with my thoughts.

i decide that i've had enough of drowning in my misery, so i get up out of my bed to hop on fortnite. i just need something to distract me.

thankfully, fortnite quickly loads and i immediately hop in a solos game.

i play like 4 rounds of fortnite, 2 of which i win. i can feel a headache coming on, so i decide to get off fortnite for a bit. staring at a screen for that long cannot be healthy.

it was only 7pm, but it was already so dark outside. it was making me tired.

to feel productive, i opt for doing some schoolwork. i had nothing due exactly tomorrow, but some due dates were coming up so working on those was probably a good idea.