Manacled

51 : Flashback 26

She turned and looked out the window for a minute before looking back down at her hands. "It's worse, Ginny, to think someone is there for you to lean on and then find they aren't when you need them most. I can't-I can't take that risk. I wouldn't be able to handle it."

Ginny gave a frustrated huff and poked one of the glamoured pustules on her wrist. "Harry and Ron get angry at you because they care, though. You can't assume that people are going to let you down and just never give anyone a chance. What if they'd be there, and you never trusted them enough to find that out?"

Hermione twisted her wand in her hands. "What if they aren't? When I really need them to?"

There was a pause, and Ginny gave a sad sigh.

Hermione closed her eyes for a moment before reopening them. "This way has become habit for me, Ginny. I don't know how to do it differently."

"What about me?" Ginny said, with a small smile.

Hermione looked at her. "You?"

"Why can't you talk to me? See? We've been friends for years; we've roomed together for nearly four years. But you never even considered that I'm someone for you to talk to. Even before I became an Order member, Harry and I were still able to talk about things. He could tell me enough. You can talk to me. You can trust me. I won't judge. I'm trusting you. I'm here for you. If you need someone, you can talk to me about anything."

Hermione stared at Ginny guiltily. "Ginny... I-it's not a matter of me not trusting you. I-just-I don't-"

Ginny's expression fell. "Never mind. I'm not trying to make you. I just wanted to you to know you have someone to talk to. If you ever wanted to. Even if I disagree with you, I'm not going to stop being your friend."

"Thanks, Ginny," Hermione said, looking away. "I do appreciate it. If I could-I would talk if I could. But I don't even know where to start. And-" she glanced at her watch, "I need to go. Padma's shift is starting soon, and I'm still helping her manage it."

"Okay," Ginny sighed. "I'll let you go then. Is Padma alright?"

"As well as can be expected. She's still adapting to the prosthetic; it gets sore and she tires easily-the charm work is not as good as it could be. Flitwick and I are still tinkering with the balance."

Hermione gathered her books and potions up and shoved them all into a bag before she walked out of Ginny's room; making a show of removing all kinds of protective wards from her body and applying cleansing charms before heading to change her clothes.

On her way to the hospital ward, she stopped and leaned against the wall for a few minutes. She pressed her palms flat against the wallpaper to try to stop the trembling in her hands.

She hadn't been able to sleep for more than a hour or two at a time since Christmas. She took Dreamless Sleep potion once a week on Monday night, so her hands wouldn't shake during training with Draco.

Everyone else congregated in the sitting room at night when they couldn't sleep, but Hermione found herself unable to bear being there. She stalled the conversations; people tried to cheer her up and include her. She was too tired to pretend.

Most nights, when the house was quiet, she'd sit alone in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, trying to find something to do to to fill all the cold empty hours until sunrise.

She pulled her hands away from the wall and went to take her shift.

Hermione was on the stairs with Padma, helping her practice ascending the stairs without a cane, when the door of Grimmauld Place burst open.