The Ten-Year Game Plan

Chapter 40- Donovan / Josie

"What I need," I repeated, slowly and she nodded.

"I'm not going to ask you to stay. But I think that— you and I need to be realistic about what the best thing for you is. I want to give it to you," she whispered.

"Josie, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"You're going to need to be with your family and focus all of your energy with them." She sniffled a little before continuing. "As you should. I don't want our relationship to bring you anything other than peace. I don't want it to be a burden."

Her words were so fast that I could only blink in response for a solid minute after she trailed off.

"So you think the best thing for me is... what? Breaking up?" I asked.

She placed a hand on my arm, her eyes widening. I wasn't sure that my heart was still inside of my chest. After a moment, she gave a little shrug.

"I don't know what's best for you or what's coming. But I want to make whatever it is easier—"

There was a loud roaring in my head, like a full stadium on game night, but the feeling in my gut wasn't excitement. I stood from Josie's bed, running a hand through my hair as I stared at her bedroom wall. Two Polaroid photos were taped in my eye-line. One was of her with Gisele and Cam at a concert. The other was a photo she took of us only a few nights ago.

The couple in that photo hadn't learned that they'd be living thousands of miles from each other yet. The girl in the photo hadn't suggested breaking up. The boy in the photo wasn't considering it— not ever. Not when he'd finally gotten the girl he used to never shut up about, the girl he still couldn't shut up about.

Was Josie right? Was it really fair to be in a relationship when I couldn't give her everything she deserved? My attention this semester was split between Danny and football, but the last couple of weeks with Josie... I didn't have enough space for it all. Not now. Not with the news about Danny.

Was it fair to put someone through this? To put her through this? Could I put myself through it?

I knew Josie like I knew the shape of my pillow. Like I knew the smell of my body wash. Like I knew the sound of my own breath.

She was asking me these questions because she believed our relationship would turn into a burden. But a part of me wondered if this was how she would try to protect the two of us. Me from resenting her and her from feeling the loss of my brother. If she could distance herself from me, maybe she could distance herself from Danny too.

"You don't understand what it was like when I was still living in Texas and he was here," I said finally. "There would be days with no news. Days where it felt stupid to hope that it would be good when there was finally news. The not knowing. Not seeing him alive. Breathing. It was like he died every time I got a phone call. Because I had to brace myself for it every day I saw my mom or dad's name on my phone. I'm his big brother. I'm supposed to protect him. But I can't protect him if I'm here and he's there."

"I know," Josie whispered. "I know you have to go."

When I looked back to where she sat on the bed, her eyes made me pause. Tortoise shell. Tears welled in the corner of her eyes. Eyes that were rounded in fear when she saw the confusion on my face, and I wondered if I'd failed some kind of test. I wondered if she expected me to immediately shoot down the idea of breaking up and now by hesitating I'd somehow confirmed her fears.