Sir Mercyhale and Hasslevain

CHAPTER III. Initiation of a journey.

In which a long and tiresome journey commences with absolutely no bickering whatsoever.

After leaping out of the palace and unfortunately not dying when they crashed onto the ground, Mercyhale and Hasslevain found themselves utterly and unfailingly lost. They hadn't landed exactly where they'd come from; they'd fallen horrifically through a canopy of trees and tumbled down into a forest.

"Ugh," said Mercyhale. He'd landed on his back, and it seemed too much trouble to get up. Hasslevain bounded over to him, having miraculously survived despite his scrawny appearance, and batted Mercyhale on the eye.

"Get up, Sir Mercyprone," said Hasslevain. "The princess is waiting!"

"Gah!" said Merychale. "You blinded me."

"You have two eyes, my good sir."

"Ah, I do." Mercyhale rubbed his eye, which was starting to bleed. It had to be bleeding, for it felt wet, and there were certainly no tears coming out of the Knight's eye. He got up and looked around. He took a few steps to get a greater sense of their surroundings, then tripped on a root and found himself eating a patch of moss.

Hasslevain cackled like the evil little creature he was. Mercyhale got up with great dignity and attempted to scrub himself free of dirt, to little effect. A horrible thought occurred to him that he might look just as dirty and pitiful as Hasslevain now, and he banished the thought to the outer realms of his mind.

"Well?" he said with a sniff. "You intelligent little Dog, where to?"

"My dear sir, that's the most intelligent thing you've said all day," said Hasslevain. "Follow me, and I will surely lead you to the Princess Honeysense."

They went along, Mercyhale trying not to think about how his eye was stinging, and his nose was stinging, and his back was stinging. "If you know very well where the Princess is," he said, to distract himself, "then why were you waiting around to find me?"

"Of course, I knew you would be the most capable Knight," said Hasslevain. "And the Princess deserves only the very best Knight to save her. Otherwise, something horrible could occur in a showdown with the Wizard."

"There'll be a showdown?" Mercyhale said, becoming concerned.

"Of course! An epic duel, with clashing swords and great peril. I will be in the sidelines, of course, with the Princess, cheering you on. We shall hope you don't die, but if you do I promise to take very good care of your widow."

"We won't get married!" Mercyhale kicked a stick towards Hasslevain, who jumped over it with startling agility.

"It would be the honorable thing to do, my good sir," said Hasslevain. "Elsewise, you'll have a noble Princess in your debt for ever more, and that won't do, will it?"

"Not unless her family pays me handsomely."

"You will surely be paid as handsome as you are."

Mercyhale wasn't quite sure whether this was meant to be a compliment, but as he was already feeling rather bruised, he decided to not let his ego take another hit.

They went on in silence for a long time—or rather, Mercyhale did. Hasslevain appeared to have no shortage of energy and rambled on and on of something or the other. He had no shortage of eyes too, it seemed.

" . . . And you, my dear sir?" said Hasslevain. "What say you of this beautiful place?"

"There are too many trees," Mercyhale grumbled.

"'Tis a forest, dear sir," said Hasslevain. "It has many trees."

"Thank you for your wisdom."

"I am a beacon of wisdom," said Hasslevain. "What more wise words would you like me to espouse? Are you in need of wisdom regarding your teeth? I believe your mother did terribly in cleaning your teeth as a child; have you looked into a mirror recently? It would do you well to smile without your teeth. Though I have yet to see your smile, so you should focus instead on grimacing without your teeth."