My Dearest Darling

Chapter 2

And then everything came crashing down.

Doctor Clarkson had arrived in the evening with the terrible news about Cora's condition. It had been a shock to them, even if they had talked about it all before and he knew that cancer was a possibility. Some part of him had been in denial about it until then, until the doctor all but changed his entire life. He had not even had a chance to fully process the Doctor's words or even take Cora into his arms for some comfort when his mother's maid had called out for them from the gallery above and within a matter of hours, his mother had passed away.

Not only that, but it had also been a week since he had had a proper conversation with his wife. They still had not talked about the elephant in the room, and it was one of the biggest elephants he could possibly imagine. They needed to talk about it, the unspoken was looming over them like a dark cloud, but he could not get himself to raise the topic, or any topic at all for that matter. He felt he was not strong enough to start the conversation, not when he knew he could likely not finish it.

Robert had been talking and putting on a brave face when around the others, especially around their daughters, but his façade started to crumble as soon as they were on their own. Away from the others, he suddenly grew silent and distant. To his wife, he looked utterly forlorn and lost. He knew he did not have to pretend, not in front of her. She knew him too well and saw through it all.

Cora could swear he cried in his sleep, not wanting to be so open and emotional in broad daylight – or maybe he wasn't sleeping at all. And she couldn't blame him, she felt and did the same.

It had been a week since his world had shifted on its axis. And so had hers, although not as abruptly. While she had had her suspicions for a while and had started to come to terms with what her future could be, he had been blissfully unaware. She had shut him out, not wanting to cause more hurt in the middle of his struggle with the possibility of losing his mother.

In truth, Cora had not slept properly in months, not without waking up exhausted and hurting in the morning, but the last week had been so much worse than anything before. She had had her suspicions for a while but wanted to put off the visit to the doctor for as long as she could. And then they were to take a trip to France to investigate this curious case of Violet having been gifted a villa decades ago. She had enjoyed herself, at times she had almost forgotten about the worries that were looming over her like a sword ready to strike at any given moment.

Earlier in the day, just after they had an early tea in the drawing room with some guests after coming home from the funeral, Doctor Clarkson had wanted to speak to her for a moment. He had only asked himself to the abbey the following day to discuss her treatment plan before taking his leave, not wanting to add to the heaviness of the day. How was she to tell him that she did not want any treatment?

Even worse, how was she to tell Robert – and what about their girls?

Their daughters still had no idea how sick she truly was. She had not wanted to bother them, not with the funeral of their granny needing organising and their need to grieve her. She would have to tell them eventually, and soon at that. She had promised herself to give them and herself time until at least the funeral was taken care of. Which had been the case. She could not put it off any longer, not in good conscience.

They had buried Violet just over twelve hours ago.

In a way, it had all felt like a rehearsal to her, for her own burial. She had observed the proceedings, had mentally taken note of many things, and would make a list of things she wanted to be done the same or differently. She would try to put her affairs in order before it was her time to go. She saw the day with a clarity she had never experienced before, not with her father, or Sybil, or Matthew. She could not recall much of their funerals, but Violet's would probably stay ingrained in her mind for the remainder of her life.

She had watched Robert like a hawk all throughout the day and had noticed his absent mind as they walked behind the motor with her coffin, following it down to the church in the middle of the village. To most onlookers, he must have appeared calm and collected, just like an Earl should, but she knew that not to be the case. She had known him far too long; she knew that he tried to distance himself from the situation to make it through in one piece and with his dignity intact. She saw his mind in uproar, saw the tears he held at bay the whole day through.

Cora had had weeks to come to terms with the likelihood of her ultimate diagnosis, and she had made peace with her fate, thinking back on her fulfilled life with her husband, children, and grandchildren.

He had not had that luxury. It all came crashing down around him in a matter of mere hours. How was he expected to cope with that? He had almost lost it completely during the garden party when she had told him about the possibility of her having cancer. And when they finally had certainty, his mother had died not even an hour later. He had said he would not be able to bear it, and now suddenly he had to. It seemed as though his worst fear from that evening had come true, and she did not know how to help him through it all. He had to mourn his mother and had to prepare mourning for her, but nobody could prepare for all that. Worst of all, she could not help prepare him for that.

Violet had died at an old age many never reached or even got close to reaching. His mother had been a constant all throughout his life, who had guided him whenever he had been lost, just as much back when he was a child, when he was the young viscount, and then later as the Earl. For the longest time, it was his mother who helped him deal with it all. And now he had to cope without her, and Cora had forbidden him from telling their daughters. She had alienated him from everyone. He was all alone with this.

Right then, lying awake in bed in the middle of the night, she decided she would change that - she had to. She could not have Doctor Clarkson come here to discuss anything concerning the treatment she did not want, with her daughters not even knowing she was sick.

She just could not. She could not leave it all to him. She could not leave him alone with this, or the heaviness of the burden would eventually break him.