Code Red

jaques

"Ah, I see. I'm glad you're doing okay, hon. I hope they haven't been working you too hard!"

I smile faintly, my hand curling into a fist on the desk. "Oh, you have no idea, Mom."

She laughs lightly, and the sound wraps around my chest like a goddamn memory. Then I hesitate.

"How are you and Dad doing today? I know it's eleven years. I remembered."

The pause on the other end stretches. I hear her exhale. "We're managing, sweetheart. We visited his grave this morning. Said a few prayers."

Of course they did. They're devout. My mother never misses a date. Never stops believing he's somewhere listening. "I'm sure he heard you."

"There was a beautiful sunrise this morning," she adds quietly. "I think it was his way of saying hi."

I swallow against the pressure building in my throat. "Yeah. I bet he's kicking a soccer ball around up there."

She laughs again, but it's wetter this time. "Hopefully not causing too much trouble for our Lord."

"It's Jaques, Mom. He probably bribed Saint Peter with bubble gum to let him sneak out the pearly gates."

She giggles, and for a second it feels like we're home. Like he's just upstairs, alive.

Then it twists. "I wish I could've been there with you," I admit, voice quiet. "Was James there at least?"

"Yes, honey. James and Pauline both. And, oh, I've been dying to tell you this - Pauline's pregnant. You're going to be an uncle!"

I blink. My heart gives a weird kind of lurch. "Seriously? That's amazing. Wow."

"We're thrilled," she says, beaming through the phone. "I'm secretly hoping it's a girl. Had my share of boys already."

I grin despite myself. "She'll be lucky to have you for a grandma."

A moment passes. Then she lowers her voice. "Do you still want to be a dad someday, Leo?"

I stare at the phone like it might give me the answer. Then I nod, even though she can't see me.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. I just - I have to get through all this first."

"You will, honey. I know it."

"Thanks, Mom. I'll need a hell of a woman, though."

She chuckles. "Anyone catch your eye lately?"

I hesitate. Nova's face flashes across my mind for reasons I don't like. Caught my eye from being such a pain in my ass, most likely. 

"Nah. Just me and the job right now."

She hums knowingly. "Well, don't wait forever. You'd be a good dad."

Even though you let Jacques die? 

I shove that thought right to the back of my head and bury it where it belongs, then glance at the clock. 1:57 p.m.

Fuck.

"Hey, mom. I've gotta go. Warm-ups starting."

"Do you think you can wait a minute? Your dad's just out for groceries-"

Fuck, I feel like a prick. "I can't. I'm sorry. Please give him my love. Tell James too. And Pauline."

I don't miss the twinge of sadness in her tone. "Of course. Stay safe. I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you too, Mom." I hang up.

The burner feels heavier in my hand than it should. I set it down gently. My chest is tight.

I pace out of the room, wiping at the corner of my eye. Just in time to catch Nova's jade stare.

"You went a teeny-bit over the limit," she says, brushing her hair back, trying to act casual.

"Fuck off, Shields," I snap, the words harsher than I intend.

Her eyes narrow, caught off guard. "Polite as always," she mutters, then pauses. "Leo, have you been crying?"

"No."

I don't look at her. I shoulder past her, brushing against her without meaning to. I can feel her gaze follow me.

She knows something happened.

But she won't ask. And I won't tell.

And that's the deal with grief here, and the way it should stay. We all carry ghosts. We can just pretend not to see each other's.

Even if I want to see hers more than I care to admit.