Fuk You And Fuk That

I Don't Know Anymore

It's hard to explain. Sometimes I'm just... Eh. I'm a human contradiction, confusing. I feel so Frickin lonely but Its my fault yk, I push people away as if I want to be alone. It's starting to make me sick.

Itd be nice to have someone to talk to, in person I mean, just to hug or vent to nd stuff but who if I just keep pushing everyone away. I'm sensitive and I think thays the problem. Could I be sensitive? Or could I just have very high standards.
Either way, I'm sad. I'm sad about alot of things, it feels like my heart wants to throw up or some shit and that's weird, idk it could be small things that makes me feel this way and for that I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do.

Am I gaslighting myself? Is that it? Tf is gaslighting even.
*sigh*
Irdk anymore, I feel like I need physical contact, physical comfort. I really do.

There's a guy I've been talking to and we've been talking for some time now nd  I felt like I love him. We haven't met before and I know it's such a joke because I've never met him. He's an awesome guy, everything I've ever wanted. But recently idk what's been up with me. It's like I don't feel the same about him anymore? It's confusing to explain, maybe I'm just drained emotionally from the lack of contact but then again Ive always hated contact, never wanted any hugs or stuff because of my uncomfort.
Idk
He's a great guy. And because of that I don't want to pretend. I'm just not sure of myself, and I feel like he doesn't deserve that, he doesn't deserve someone who's not sure of themselves and I know love has its doubts and stuff but I really don't know ahout myself anymore. Do I really want to be with him? Do I want to be alone? Do I want ti be isolated with 7 adopted kids, all alone on a little farm where neighbors would be a whole 20m walk from my house?
See what I mean? I'm a whole contradiction and it's annoying my soul.
I just wish I had a friend I could talk to, who could give me sound advice about these things.