Bedroom Negotiations - Gold (Self-published)

21

When I was younger, I did not believe in love although I grew up curious about it. I had always wondered how easy it was for my mother to fall in love. Or at least that's what she claimed to feel until the relationship would turn sour and she'd curse her lover to rot in hell.

It confused me how she'd repeatedly take the plunge headfirst into that murky sea when she probably knew how it would end.

Kaya ang sabi ko sa sarili ko n'un ay hinding-hindi mangyayaring darating ako sa punto na pipiliin ko ang isang lalaki kaysa sarili ko; hinding-hindi ako magpapakatanga katulad ni Mama na ilang ulit nang sumubok at nasaktan. Hinding-hindi ako magmamahal.

At hinding-hindi ko inakalang lahat ng sinabi ko ay kakainin ko pala...

"Daddy...?"

"Thank God you're awake, Anak." My father had immediately rushed to my side. "Do you feel better now? Wait, let me call the doctor—"

"Nasaan po ba ako?"

"Nasa ospital ka—what are you doing, Lia?"

"Teka lang po, kailangan ko pong bumalik d'un sa park," I had haphazardly explained to my father as I pulled the needle connected to the dextrose off my arm.

"Lia, you can't leave. You're not yet well."

"Pero, Daddy, baka po ilang oras na po s'yang naghihintay sa akin d'un. Teka po, anong oras na po ba—"

"Anak, it's already been three days."

"Po?"

"It's already been three days since you were taken here."

"Kailangan ko pong umalis—"

"Anak, listen, walang naghihintay sa'yo d'un sa park. Walang naghahanap sa'yo, okay?"

I looked uncomprehendingly at my father. "Paano n'yo po..." I had trailed off.

"Alam ko dahil nand'un si Edgardo para hintayin kung sino man ang hinihintay mo. Tell me, anong pangalan nitong taong ito at nang mapahanap ko s'ya?" my father had asked, his voice although controlled was laced with contempt. "Sino ang nag-iwan sa'yo d'un?"

"Wala po..."

"Lia, don't lie to me. Do you have any idea how worried I was? I don't need you to lie to me, I need you to tell me the truth. Sino ang kausap mo? Why were you at that park? If you were already feeling ill, bakit hindi ka dumiretso sa akin?"

I wasn't sure then why I was illogically scared to tell my father about him. Maybe because Dad had been very vocal about how he didn't want me to get into any relationship before I'd get a degree. The daughter in me who's always seeking for his validation did not want to disappoint him. But, there I was broken-hearted over a boy when I had not even graduated from high school yet.

"Just...just a friend po, Daddy. May...may usapan po kasi kami na magkita po d'un dahil...dahil may ibibigay raw po s'yang libro sa akin...kaya po..."

My heart still aches remembering the look on my father's face – that look which told me that he knew that I was lying. "Lia..."

I had lowered my head. "Daddy...I'm so sorry po..." I said as I started to cry. "Sorry po..."

"It's okay, Anak. You can tell me when you're ready. My priority right now is your health. Hindi ko maintindihan 'yung takot na naramdaman ko n'ung nakita kitang parang walang buhay na nakahiga rito. H'wag mo munang isipin ang kahit ano, just please get well."

Love. Lakas makaputang-ina ng salitang 'to. Lakas makagago. My first love gave me nothing but heartache. I was in so much pain that I had to receive blood from my father.