Lawful Hearts (Law School Series 1)

24

Hindi ko magawang lumingon sa kaniya nang bitawan niya ako sa kaniyang pagkakayap. Ramdam ko ang bigat ng aking katawan mula sa pagkakabagsak sa sahid. Napaluhod ako at ininda ang namamanhid ko ngayong tuhod sa sakit ng galos na tinamo ng aking pagkabagsak.

It all went silent. My heart weakens. The space between us grows.

"I don't know what to do," I said, my throat is still aching.

"We should decide, we should take you to the hospital, we should—"

"No Jon, I'm not doing this with you," my face numbs where I couldn't even barely feel the tears flowing into me.

"No, no, no–"

"Don't fucking lay your hands of me again!" hindi ito ang unang beses na sinigawan ko siya ng ganoon kadiin simula pa kanina, pero ito ang unang beses kong ipakita sa kaniya kung gaano ako katakot sa kaniya at nag-aalala sa batang nasa loob ko.

I am not mad from what he did. He can cheat all he wants, he can fuck every woman he likes, and it would still feel less painful than this.

The only reason why I want him out of our life is because I don't want my child to know that the moment that their father should know that they are alive was the moment he already gave me the answer that he couldn't be a father.

I wouldn't let my child know about this.

"Aalis na ako, hindi mo na ako makikita, at– subukan mo lang lumapit pa sa akin—"

"Janella, that will be my baby too!"

"No, it's not yours— it will never be yours!"

"Please, I know— you're not in the right mind, but please– give me time, let us talk. Aalis ako in two days sa Singapore, I'll be back in a week just to seal the deal I've been working on... and after that I'll come back for you," he is forcing a smile, "while I'm gone, papapuntahin ko muna si Mama para mag-alaga sa'yo or my sister– just wait for me okay—"

I was shaking my head the whole time as his mouth blabbers the words I couldn't understand. My head is spinning and all my mind could think of is to leave this place and never see him again, not even his shadow.

"Janella, hindi pa ako handa sa ganito... I'm not ready for this, I'm sorry, but I will be the father okay? Tatayo ako bilang—"

"And so am I! I don't know what to do, Jon! All my life— Jon, alam mo kung... kung gaano ko tiniis yung pamilya ko. Bugbog yung Nanay ko ngayon sa hospital sa katangahan niya sa pag-ibig... si Jamie... my Jamie... nasa hukay na siya Jon... Jamie is only 8, he barely even had a life! And the only thing I ever wanted is to have a normal life."

Ang tanging naririnig ko lang ay ang patuloy na paghikbi ko habang ninanamnam ang alat ng aking luha.

"Leave, Jon... pursue your dreams. I was never part of it at the first place right? Dumating lang ako dahil sa pagkakamaling kong tahakin ang law school... You will never see me again."

Naglakad ako patungo sa gate kung saan may mga taxi na naghihintay. Pinara ko ang isa at sinabi ang pamilyar na address ngunit hindi ko karaniwang sinasabi.

Habang nagpupunas ako ng luha ay patuloy pa rin ang aking pag-iyak. Tahimik lang ang driver habang pinapakiramdaman ang lamig ng kaniyang sasakyan.

I don't know whom I should tell about this. I don't know if I should tell my mother. Kahit si Kuya, hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin ito.

Pagdating ko sa address ay natanaw ko rin ang building na hindi ko malilimutan. Umakyat na ako gamit ang elevator at dahan-dahang naglakad patungo sa unit.

Kumatok sa pinto ng ilang beses. Panigurado akong may tao. Panigurado akong nandito siya ngayon.

Para bang nanlambot ang buo kong katawan at tuluyan nang nanghina dahil sa pagbukas ng pinto.

"Sorry, Clay, I know it's already late, but—" I look at him, trying to hold on to my tears but I couldn't.

He quickly walk towards me and gave me a warm hug.

"Shh..." he taps my back, "it's going to be okay, nandito na ako, nandito ka na," hinigpitan niya pa ang pagyakap.

Ilang linggo na akong walang pahinga simula nang libing. But now, my hours here staying at Clay's place made me feel at peace. I have to rest. I know I have to force myself to rest. Not just for me, but for the baby.