Capricorn Christmas

McFunerals

I was grateful to have my roommates home.  There were even a few moments where I had slipped into pre Jared's death and even laughed a few times.  I was doing as well as could be expected.  My roommates and a handful of friends were the only ones who really knew that we had been a "thing".  We never made it official, but we could all see that it was heading that way. 

This funeral was going to be brutal.  Over the last few days I'd run through the conversations with his parents that might come up.  "Hi I'm Jen." I'd wait to see if there was any recognition and then I'd go from there.  I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd mentioned me, but I wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't.  My parents were curious and concerned when I told them about the funeral and even when they pressed me I continued to claim he was a "good friend." I'm sure they wondered why they'd never heard of him before. 

By 9:00 am we were all standing in the living room with our black dress pants and dark coloured sweaters.  "Matchy matchy," Amanda said, "We look like we're ready for a Sears Catalogue photo shoot."   "We ready," I asked as I pulled on my boots.  Could anyone ever be ready to watch a perfect match be lowered into the ground before your eyes.  The world was so cruel and unfair and I felt numb.  I had been questioning everything since Jared's death. 

Thank God for command start.  Even though it was minus 30 the car was warm and the windshield was defrosted.  Cold weather like this usually meant clear so I was looking forward to a smooth drive to Jared's home town.  As we pulled out of the driveway Amy piped up,  "McDonald's?" "Yep," I'd already made the decision.  Nothing goes better with heartbreak than a sausage and egg mcMuffin. 

The drive was uneventful just as I had expected in this bitter cold.  It was a quiet drive and it gave me time to try and imagine what Jared's parents might look like.  Would I recognize them as soon as I'd see them? I wondered if he looked like his dad.  We didn't go right into Regina, we jumped on Ring Road and it shot us back into the prairies East of the city.  "It's not far from here," I said just to break the silence.  Nobody answered and we forged ahead. 

We rolled into town shortly before lunch.  We were over an hour early and this was a small town.  We weren't sure exactly which church was which but since there were only two and they were side by side we were confident that we'd figure it out.  In the meantime, we parked and wandering into the local Chinese food restaurant to waste time.  We ordered coffee and a plate of fries and gravy to split.  I noticed that there were lots of other people here that could have been in our Sears catalogue photo shoot realizing these people were probably also here for the funeral.  The coffee tasted like dishwater and the fries were soggy, but I didn't complain, because maybe this is what grief tasted like. 

When it was time to head out for the funeral we just followed the crowd.  It because evident very quickly where we needed to go.  The death of a young person brings out people in droves and by the time we were ushered inside the church there were only a few spots left near the back.  "He was so popular," Amy squeezed my arm.  This was the highest compliment coming from her.  The only way I could respond without crying was by nodding. 

The funeral was heartbreaking.  Jared obviously had been loved in his town and the outpouring of emotion from the community was overwhelming.   I cracked as the pallbearers carried Jared out on their shoulders.  Cousins, friends, teammates, classmates all around the same age as us cried as his parents walked behind the casket.  Through the tears I took note of his mom and dad so I could give them my sympathies later.  He looked more like his mom. 

Later, in the church auditorium, Amy, Amanda and I were sitting off to the side with a few more friends from university that we recognized.  "I don't know why I don't make egg salad at home," one of the guys said as we sipped our coffee and punch.  "Egg salad always tastes better if you're not the one making it," anyone one countered.  I had one ear on the conversation but both eyes on Jared's parents.  I wanted to make a move, but was worried about the timing and etiquette of making my introduction.  

Another couple around Jared's parents age approached their table with a girl that seemed to be our age.  She was distraught.  She wasn't outright sobbing, but you could see it in her body, they black circles under her eyes, the splotches on her cheeks from crying and the redness around her nose from wiping her nose.  "Who's that?" I asked the egg salad guy.  "Oh that's McKenzie," he said through a bite of sandwich.  "Who's McKenzie?" I asked.  "His girlfriend," he explained after swallowing, "they've been together since like grade ten."

My whole body stiffened.  I rapid fire blinked a few times while Amy and Amanda stared at me.  Amy checked the time, "You ready to go?" Robotically I stood up, "Yep."  I took one last look at Jared's parents' table.  His mom was embracing McKenzie as she cried on her shoulder.  We bid farewell the the egg salad boys and weaved our way to the exit.

The car was parked all the way down the block and we didn't say a word until we got the the car.  I slid into the drivers seat and sat there for a second before staring the vehicle out breath visible in the frigid temperatures.  "What. The. Actual. Fuck." I started the car.  "He had a girlfriend!" Amanda was exasperated.  "You ok?" Amy asked though her teeth. "No."  I couldn't hear any emotion in my voice, "I want a McChicken with pickles and then I'll be better,"and we drove into Regina and had McDonalds for the second time that day.