LACUNA | YOONMIN

11

''I have no choice...''

Knowing that he couldn't see me, I bowed my head and looked at my hands. The shoulder strap on my arm was taking up a lot of space. Because the weather was cold, I felt a clearer pain in my shoulder that day. This made me feel extra nervous.

I jumped when I heard the thumping sound coming from the hood of the car. Jimin held the phone to his ear with one hand and punched the hood of the car with the other to make me look at him. His eyes were red from crying and the tip of his nose was red from the cold.

"Get out of the car." He was still talking on the phone and his voice was filling in because my phone was connected to the car via Bluetooth.

After ending the call, he came towards me and opened the door. He unbuckled my seat belt and helped me out of the car, paying attention to my left shoulder. I almost cried.

''Jim-''

He opened his eyes wide and raised his eyebrows.

"I'll take you home, forget what we talked about in the cafe." He sniffed again.

After sitting in the side seat, he continued driving without speaking. Since I couldn't stand the silence, I looked at his hand in the middle. His little finger was tiny and always so cute that it melted my heart. Since I couldn't move my left arm easily, I made a great effort and wrapped my little finger around Jimin's little finger. Since he was driving, when his attention suddenly shifted to our hands, he focused on the road again. He was tiny. Jimin was as small as a chick in my arms. Especially his little finger...

I gently caressed his little finger. Jimin's fingertips always had a sweet pink color, which made him an adorable angel in my eyes. I wanted to kiss his fingertips one by one. Being able to do that would drive me absolutely crazy. I could turn into a completely different person.

"Jimin, I know you don't want to talk. But I want you to know that you misunderstood me completely. You really misunderstood me. It's not what you think."

He suddenly hit the brakes and I was thrown forward and Jimin caught me at the same time. His nostrils were expanding with the deep breaths he took through his nose. Still, for me, he was the most beautiful being in the world.

I gasped when his gaze suddenly met mine.

"I hope what you are going to tell me has logical reasons for me to understand." He was angry, but at the same time, I could see the resentment in his eyes.

I was either going to drag us both into disaster, or a miracle was going to happen, and I really needed miracles.

I was going to tell him that the feelings I had didn't belong to a woman as he thought, and I had been thinking for days about telling this. Jimin could really be disappointed for this reason. When he called me Hyung, I didn't want to think about the position he would feel when he thought that I wasn't interested in women. He wholeheartedly accepted what we were going through, but could Jimin know these feelings? Or was Hyung love equal to a family love?

I just wish he had known that falling in love could be experienced without any gender boundaries, and if the first possibility that came to his mind was not that this person would be a woman. If he knew these things, I could explain everything to him more clearly, but I would have to tell Jimin where all this started. He needed to understand this. I couldn't tell him directly, because this wasn't something that had happened for two days, and I had to stay away from him for two years even to figure it out within myself. It wasn't easy at all.

I kept him away from me because I didn't want the battles I was fighting within myself to hurt Jimin. I had to first become familiar with the feelings inside me so that I could tell him about them. I couldn't force him to fall in love with me. I couldn't encourage him to love a man. But after telling him all these, I never wanted him to get cold and distant from me and break this beautiful bond between us, so I could never talk about these things. This is how all the battles inside me started. There was neither winner nor loser.