𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐂𝐄𝐒﹔𝐋𝐄𝐄 𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐗

four

tw: sh, eating disorder behaviors, mention of anxiety, suicidal thoughts // words in bold are felix's thoughts

-

"pardon?"

felix was taken completely off guard by the olders words.

"dont play dumb felix. what's on your arm?" chans words werent coming off as sweet and caring, now he just sounds cold and annoyed.

"I dont know what you're talking about," he chuckled trying his best to hide his anxiety; something he failed miserably at doing.

"show me your arm."

"no"

"show me."

"no."

the older had had enough, he walked over to felix, grabbing his sleeve and pushing it up harshly. the younger winced a bit, as the fabric got caught on one of the fresh marks.

He yanked he arm back, looking at the older with complete and utter shock.

"What the fuck!" felix screamed.

"great going felix. now he know about you slicing your skin."

he shut his eyes tightly, scrunching his face up as he tried to rid of the voices that were reminding him of how much of a failure he was. Opening his eyes slowly, he was met with the leader who's face was filled with concern.

"felix.. why would y-"

"No, chan. I did nothing. I'm fine." he said, now calm. it's like something went off in his brain; like he was slowly going insane. because he was.

"no you're not f-"

felix remained calm on the outside as he cut chan off for the second time,

"Yes, I am. Now if you will excuse me, I have to shower, I want to go to the gym today." felix spoke before he walked off to his bedroom and not turning back, leaving the older standing in the middle of the living room in shock.

"This conversation isnt ov-"

"Sorry, I can't hear you." the younger said coldly not even turning his head around to look at the older before he dissapeared into his room.

-

Felix's breath hitched as he slowly carved lines on his skin under the boiling hot shower water.

"how could you be so stupid?"

I know. I'm sorry.

"You should be. Now you have put more stress on chan."

you're right.

-

Felix looked around as he poked his head around the wall, making sure nobody was in the main living area so that he could walk out of the front door without being questioned. He had expected atleast someone to be watching TV but to his surprise the dorm was empty. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and checked the time.

Shit. it was already 1:11 pm.

How could he forget that the members were going out to brunch today. He let out a sigh of both relief and disappointment, walking towards the front door, carrying his water bottle and gym bag.

-

6:56 pm. was the time read on the wall of the gym.

He had spent over 5 hours on the treadmill. How could one be psychically able to do that?

Maybe it was the fact that he wanted to rid of the pain in his mind and turn it into psychical pain, or maybe it was how he looked in the mirror that made him want to run even more on the treadmill, but he was tempted. really tempted. But he knew he couldn't. He had stalled enough to miss dinner, and he was too faint to continue anyways.

As he pushed the door open, leaving the gym, he was hit with a cool breeze, washing over the sweat that was dripping off of his face.

emptiness.

sorrow.

remorse.

pain.

That was all he felt.

He slowly started walking towards the taxi that was waiting for him across the street. he stopped, waiting for the cars to pass. Maybe he shouldnt. Maybe he should've walked straight into the street and stopped in the middle of it. But he didnt. He had to stay alive; though he didnt know how long he could take it until he wouldnt be able to handle this feeling anymore.

-

As he slowly twisted the doorknob to the shared dorm, he started to feel faint. His body was already aching and limp from all that running, but he had to push the pain aside so he could get past the others and into his room.

"Lixie! Where were you?!" Jeongin and Jisung came running up to him as soon as he had step foot in the dorm.

"Gross you're all sweaty" jeongin exclaimed as he backed away from the older.

"Yeah.. I was at the gym"

"For how long?" Minho and seungmin chimed in.

"I dont know.. I guess since you guys went to brunch I think."

"that was 6 hours ago, yongbok!" Minho yelled in shock.

"oh.." he chuckled, "I guess I lost track of time haha.." he chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. Everyone was looking at him now, some with confusion, some with concern, and he hated it.

"Well I'm gonna go shower and then go to bed! goodnight!"

"You didnt even eat dinner yet though.." hyunjin exclaimed, pulling his arm towards the table. It took him everything in him not to flinch at the pain.

"I ate on the way back to the dorm." was all he said before walking back to his room, still feeling everyone's eyes on him as he ever-so slightly limped, his steps getting quieter as he dissapeared into his bedroom.

He let out a big sigh as he shut the door and slid his back down the wall. He was alone now; alone with his thoughts.

those god damn thoughts.

After a few minutes of sitting on the floor, he gathered enough energy to stumble to his bed, where he lied for not even a full 5 minutes after he put on the song "Child Psychology" by Black Box Recorder before his eyes started getting heavy, as he drifted into slumber.

-

a/n: RAHHHHHHHH🗣🔥⁉️🙏🤭