Miss Not Perfectly Fine

Just You and I

"And that's all for today. I'll see you all on Thursday." My professor smiled as we all started packing our things, eager to get out of the classroom. After 60 agonizing minutes, my microeconomics class was finally over. I've had all three of my classes today and I was ready to be done with everything. I don't know how I managed to go to multiple classes every single day in high school. I can barely go to two in college, let alone three.

It's been a week since first day of class started and things have been going alright. I got to meet my floormates at our floor meeting, and everyone seemed nice. I have yet to make friends though. I'm a very introverted person and it takes me a while to go out of my way to talk to people. I fear rejection so the thought of someone being annoyed with me or just straight up ignoring me scares me. It's only been a week so I don't really know how hard my classes are yet. There are definitely a lot less assignments going in the gradebook compared to high school which scares me, but I'm hoping I'll get through it. I took AP classes in high school and I didn't know what I was doing half the time but I always somehow ended with an A. Maybe I'll actually thrive here too.

One thing that I was very wrong about was my eating habits. I thought it would be easy to restrict, since no one was there to force me to eat. However, because there was no one around, and because I had already fallen into a binge cycle, it was a lot harder for me to not eat. I find myself constantly giving into my binge urges, telling myself that I'd do better tomorrow. It was official: I was just a wannarexic. I hated myself, not only for how I looked now, but also for how little control I have over myself. If only I didn't let my feelings win, I'd be down at least five pounds by now.

I was self loathing once again before realizing that I had already made it to the door that was currently separating me from the outside world. I could see from the windows that there were at least three paparazzis out there. I took a deep breath and put my head down before opening the door and getting ready to power walk back to my dorm.

"Hi Skylar! How are you?"
"How's college going?"
"You look so healthy now."
"What class are you coming from?"
"How are Taylor and Travis doing?"
"Smile for us!"
"Over here Skylar!"

And there they were again, screaming and sending bright flashes of the cameras my way. It's been going on every single day that I've been here, every time I go outside. It's annoying. I have to leave extra early to make it to class on time.

Seeing these men crowd me and take pictures of me, other people wandering around started to make their way over to me as well. Soon enough, there was a crowd yet again.

After seeing this happen the first time, Taylor insisted on getting one of her security guards to be with me whenever I go outside but I begged her not to make me do that. All the crowding already makes me stand out. I didn't need another reason to be the one that sticks out from the others. I just wanted a normal college experience which, unfortunately, will never happen.

Once I finally made it back to my dorm, I slammed the door in the paparazzis' faces and flipped them off internally. I try to be polite to people no matter how pissed I am, but paparazzis are a different story. They do not deserve any of my respect. They're just nosy people who can't respect boundaries or privacy. I hate them and I'm not afraid to tell everyone that I hate them.

I dragged myself up the two flights of stairs to my floor, just wanting to be in my bed at that point. I was tired and ready for sleep. I would take the elevator but a) I need to burn off some calories and b) they take forever to come to the first floor. I'd rather just walk at that point.

As I turned the corner to my hallway, I saw a few people. There was a guy that was just standing in front of a room, and a few girls standing outside, whispering to each other. Feeling confused but assuming that some tea was being spilled, I just smiled at them as I walked by them and continued to walk to my room. I looked down at my phone so as to avoid any conversation with people. I really was not feeling social right now; I don't know anyone here that well and trying to keep a conversation going with people you're not close with really requires a lot of energy.