You're So Fragile

Chapter 12

     "Everything fell apart after those men hurt her. Not just for Lillian, but for the rest of us too. My dad was obsessed with revenge. My mom was so caught up on taking care of my sister that she forgot to take care of herself. You would have to be blind not to see that my mom was barely hanging by a thread. I would hear her cry in the bathroom, usually while she was showering. Sometimes, if Lillian managed to fall asleep and stay asleep without my mom, I could hear my dad comforting my mom while she wept herself to sleep... And then my mom died. Brain aneurysm. Quick and painless. My dad lost the love of his life. Lillian lost the only person holding her together. I tried to step in, but it didn't help much. I wasn't my mom. Her condition got worse. It consumed her. About a month after the funeral, there was this period of lucidity for Lillian. Well, in a sense. She came into my room to talk to me. But she didn't look at me. Her face was but her eyes were in a completely different place. It was like she was in my room, but her mind showed her something else. I remember that conversation word for word. She said, 'I bet she feels better. I bet she's in the garden. That beautiful garden. One day, you'll be there. We'll all be there. And we will be happy.' She hugged me and gave me a stone from this 'garden'. I thought it was a paperweight..

     "My dad discovered her the next morning. She had overdosed on sleeping pills. Then, of course, my dad blamed himself for both deaths and took to alcoholism. He died some years later. He was drunk and drove into a tree.. I lost my whole family within a short few years." 

     He still hasn't let himself cry. Carter Lewis is the sole survivor of a tragedy. It is truly no wonder why he is the way he is. I grab his hand. It's the first affectionate gesture I could think of.

     "I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have made you talk about this-"

     "No, it's fine. I'm glad you know. I don't want secrets with you.."

     "I'm sorry for what happened to your family." I add, still feeling guilty about making him bring it up.

     "It's alright, I-"

    "No" I interrupt, "it still hurts you, doesn't it? Like it just happened yesterday. Everyone was so focused on trying to contain the hurricane that Lillian had become, that they lost sight of you. Hell,  even you lost sight of you. And I bet it's agony being the only one who survived. The only one left in the devastating aftermath.."

     "Well, you would know about that wouldn't you?" He responds.

     "Yeah, I would know. I know it well." I'm still holding his hand. My grip loosens. I finally know something about his life. He basically knows my whole life when I've hardly known anything about him. He lights another cigarette. After he takes a few drags, I take the cigarette from him and take a few myself. It's a bold move on my part but I now feel familiar enough to do such a thing. I hand it back to him. He hands me the last of it.

     On the last few drags, I just stare at him.  The atmosphere has significantly lightened after sharing the cigarette. I put the cigarette out.

     "Are you going to be alright tonight?" He asks.

     "Yeah, I think so."

     "Alright. Goodnight then." He leans in to kiss my forehead like he usually does when he bids me goodnight. This time, I don't care. I welcome it. It's comforting. He lingers for a second. Then he pulls away and looks at me and I look at him. I know what I want to do. Everything tells me to do it, in fact, I'll hate myself for the rest of the night if I don't. I lean in before he can register what's going on and my lips meet his. I've never kissed a boy before but it feels right. He tastes like tobacco and beer but I like it. Once he realizes what's going on, he kisses me back. When I don't pull away, he becomes more invested. The kisses become deeper and faster and he brings his body closer to mine. This is electric. I'm so caught up in the euphoria. My mind goes blank, but my body knows what it's doing. Then I realize how aggressive the kissing is becoming and I wake up from that trance. I bring my hand up to his face, resting it on his jawline. I can feel the scruff of his facial hair. He slows down and carefully pulls away.  I just kissed him. I think to myself. We stare at each other once more.

     "Goodnight." I say, surprised at my own actions. I smile, more with my eyes than anything else. He looks at me with amazement, and then walks out of my room. Leaving me on my bed completely and utterly confused. My stomach feels as though it's gonna swallow itself in emotions. 

     It's hard to say if I regret kissing him. My life is so full of regrets and I'm not sure where to rank this moment. How could I have kissed him? He kidnapped me and forced me into a life that I didn't want. I know it's wrong. But hearing him talk about his tragedies made him so human. I saw him for who he was, not what he did to me. I don't know what to do. I only kissed him because I felt sorry for him, and because there was a moment where I thought I had intimate feelings for him. But that's gone.. I think.. I hope.