Butterfly Effect

30: Support system

Carina's Pov

Seattle, January 2006...

It has been a month since that night, and I was an empty shell of the Carina I was before all of it. I was surviving because my mom and Andrea were there, forcing me to go to class and to eat, but they didn't know that I would just throw up silently whatever I'd tried to eat during the day.
Besides that, the old Carina, the one who loved baking cookies and dancing, the one who loved to tease her little brother every chance she got, well... She wasn't there anymore. She was dead and she was not coming back...
"Carina! Can you come to the store with me?" my little brother asked annoyingly, knocking on my bedroom's door.
"Go away Andrea" I responded, staring at the white ceiling.
"Per favore Carina, ti supplico? (Please Carina, I'm begging you?)" he tried again and I stood up scoffing, opening the door and facing his kind gaze with a death stare.
"Perfect, you're up!" he said cheerfully "Now, put on a coat and your shoes. We are going out".
So, twenty minutes later, I was inside a grocery store with Andrea, praying to God to be back at home as soon as possible.
"Carina... How come you don't go to church with mom anymore?" he asked softly, completely out of the blue.
"You don't go either, why do you care if I go?" I bit back, using poisonous words. I didn't even know why, but since that night, I couldn't find it in myself to be nice with my brother. He kept pushing me to live while I just wanted to stop existing.
"Because I don't believe in God, but I know that you do... So why did you stop going?".
"I don't feel... Worthy of it..." I mumbled in a whisper "It's easier being numb to everything than being ashamed... Of being grossed out by myself...".
He didn't say anything else, but when we passed through the hygiene products section, I stopped dead in tracks and stared at him, pale as a ghost.
"Andrea?" my voice cracked "Today... What day is it?".
"Today is the nineteenth, why?" he answered confused as the air started to get stuck in my throat. I was barely breathing...
"I'm... I-I-I'm late Andrea" I whispered "I can't be... I can't be p-p-pregnant... I'm barely surviving like this... I can't do this...".
My brother, feeling my imminent panic attack, grabbed my hand very gently, squeezing it lightly and giving me a comforting look.
"I'll be here with you... You are not alone, Carina. you have me and mamma to support you with whatever choice you'll take".

Seattle, February 2006...

I was shaking so hard that I was feeling like a leaf on a tree, moved by the wind. I had that fucking positive pregnancy test in my pocket and Andrea by my side.
"Mamma? I have something to tell you..." I mumbled, entering the little laundry room where my mother was ironing some clothes.
"Si, dimmi Bambina (Yes, tell me Bambina)" she answered, keeping her eyes locked on her task. I looked helplessly at my brother, asking for his help with my eyes that were already glossy for the tears.
"Mom, this is important. Can you stop and listen for a minute?" he said firmly and my mother stopped immediately, raising her eyes to meet mine. When she noticed that I was crying, something clicked inside of her mind.
"Carina? Bambina... What do you want to tell me?" she asked, taking my hands in hers.
"I'm... I'm sorry" I whispered " I didn't mean for this to happen, but last month I was... I was late and I brought a pregnancy test when I went out with Andrea. It's... It's positive, mamma. I'm sorry".
I looked at the floor, ashamed of myself and too scared to look at her reaction to the news.
"Andrea, can you leave us alone for a moment? I need to talk with your sister in private" she said to my brother who left shortly after. When the door closed behind his back, I started to cry silently in front of my mother.
"Bambina, it's okay... Everything will be okay, I promise" my mom said and I buried my face in her neck, sobbing while she held me like it was the only thing keeping me together. Maybe it actually was the only thing that was keeping together all of my broken pieces...
"What do you want to do about this?" she asked when I calmed down a bit.
"I'm not sure... Papà si arrabbierebbe tantissimo (Dad would be so mad), and I'm alone in the middle of all of this and... And I don't think that I can do this. I just want to disappear, mamma. Just to stop living with this pain... I want everything to stop" I admitted and she held me even closer.
"It's okay that you don't know now, but I want you to know that you have me and Andrea. We'll be your support system. If you don't want to keep them, I'll take you to the clinic and I'll be by your side for as long as you need me to. If you want to carry but give them up for adoption, I'll help you with everything. And if you want to be a mother, I'll be here for you, I'll be the best grandmother possible... I've already lost so much time when you were growing up, I'm not leaving you alone again...

Seattle, March 2006...

In that doctor's office I felt like I needed to run as far away as possible, but I knew that I couldn't, so I sat there quietly, playing with my rings.
"Hi Carina, I'm doctor Sage and I'm here to check on you and how your pregnancy is progressing" a calm doctor with a simple smile said, entering the room.
"Hi..." I whispered back, lying down and preparing myself for this torture. The doctor started the exam, but as soon as her fingers touched me I flinched and my mind went back to that night, months before...
"I'm sorry. I'm-I'm-I'm deeply sorry" I stuttered and she stopped when a desperate sob left my lips.
"Carina, I don't want to create any problem for you, so feel free to shut me up, but was the act that got you pregnant consensual?". At that careful question I shook my head no.
"And are you sure you want to carry on with it? Is there someone forcing you?" she softly asked again.
"No one is forcing me and I'm sure. I'm christian, and I fully believe that every woman should be able to choose and have access to abortion if they feel like it's what they need, but I've been feeling alone since it happened. No one understands what I'm feeling and how I want to stop existing so I don't have to hear that annoying voice in my head that's constantly telling me that it was my fault... And now that I'm pregnant I feel less alone" I explained, waiting to be judged by this woman.
"It's the first time that I hear someone looking at it like that" she just said, and I was really surprised by the fact that she wasn't judging me and my choice.
"Well, from the exam I can say that your little guardian angel is doing great" she added with a smile and I nodded with a small smile.
"Can you add it to their file? It would be easier for them to be adopted if they are healthy" I whispered.
"Are you putting them in the system?" she asked.
"Yes, this little angel deserves so much better than what I could give them. I'm not American and I'm going back to Italy in September. I don't want them to be raised in a household with an abusive person, and that's what would happen if they'll come to my country with me".

Seattle, June 2006...

"Hi doctor Sage" I greeted her as she entered the room "I'm sorry I had to cancel last time, but I had an exam to do".
"No problem Carina. What exam?" she asked with her usual big smile.
"Hematology... This September I'll start the fifth year of med school back in Italy, and then I'll have to choose what kind of doctor I want to be".
"Why do I only find out now that you're a future doctor? Do you already have an idea about your specialty?" she asked, starting the exam.
"When I started, I wanted to be a general surgeon" I admitted, thinking about my father and how he didn't even know that I was pregnant. "But now I think that Ob/Gyn would be better for me. I want to help people exactly like you're helping me...".
"Well, I'm happy that you have found your path, and I know that you'll be a wonderful doctor" she responded "And I shouldn't say this, but you are my favorite patient...".
I looked at her, remembering that there was something important that I had to ask her.
"I have a request to make..." I said softly "I don't want to see my baby. When they are born, I don't want to see them".
"Are you sure, Carina? I mean, this is a huge decision. You should think about it" she said calmly, but her voice was firm enough to make me understand her point. I was sure about mine though...
"I still feel like a ghost most of the time. I eat because I have to. I go out just for my classes, church and my appointments. I feel like I'm barely alive, barely surviving... Seeing them and knowing that I will not be their mother would kill me" I explained and her eyes shifted to the floor.
"I'm sorry Carina... I didn't... It was not my business" she stumbled through the words, mortified.
"It's okay. Everyone questions my decision. I'm used to it..." I responded.
"I'm a doctor, I shouldn't say things like that. I've crossed a line with you and I'm sorry" she continued.
"Doctor Sage, you saw me crying during exams or pissed at the world. You've been a fundamental part of my support system, so I'm not mad that you care for me and my decision" I said with the hint of a smile on my lips.
"So, are you really sure about it?" she asked again, jokingly this time.
"No... But I can't choose anything else... Even if I'm not sure... Even if I'll never be...".

A.N. This is the second and last part of Carina's backstory. On Wednesday we'll be back in the present and you'll see what will happen next. Hope you liked it.