Wanted

#17 | Alone Again

She knew she couldn't survive for long under these conditions. She needed shade and water at the very least; her stomach was calm for now, but hunger would find her soon. She hoped that her friends would find her soon, too, but something in her mind made her doubt. Her feet moved again, kicking sand as they shuffled over and between the dunes, and she hoped the urgency of her situation would keep her mind from wandering into the depths, but she couldn't think of anything else.

Why would Curtis and Sly search for her? Of course, they had gone after her when she was kidnapped by the Band of Lovers, but they justly desired revenge for the trouble caused to them by the rangers. They likely would've gone to Armani's outpost anyway to prevent more members from trailing them even if Mabel hadn't been kidnapped, even if Mabel wasn't around to be kidnapped.

What value did she bring to the group? She didn't fight, she required the group to spend more money on shelter and food, Curtis seemed endlessly perturbed by her snarky comments and repeated use of vocabulary that may not always be appropriate for the situation. Curtis hadn't even wanted Mabel to follow him out of Coyote Run to begin with, and now she was being more of a nuisance all because Sly apologized for doing the job he was hired and possibly threatened to do. What incentive was there for her travel partners to seek her out in the dry wasteland of dead plants and bones? It was a difficult journey across the desert with the heatwave as it was, but now they had to wander off course to find someone they'd known for less than a month.

She hadn't meant the things she said to Sly after his confession, though at the time she thought she did. She had completely changed in that moment; her emotions turned her into another person. Before meeting Curtis, she was spiteful at the world for taking away her right to happiness, but she didn't blame the individuals around her. She exploited the kindness of others to survive and went against what her parents and teachers had taught her was right because the generosity of the public wasn't always enough to provide her with the bare necessities.

Perhaps that was her initial intent when she begged Curtis to bring her into the desert with him. Maybe she just wanted to use him as an escape from her position as a street urchin, at least for a little while until they reached a new town. She wasn't sure now. In the time she'd spent with Curtis and Sly, she grew to consider them as friends, almost family. She wasn't quite comfortable enough to call them brothers or fathers, but she cared deeply for them and didn't want anything to happen to them. Though, maybe that was just out of fear of losing her means to survive in a manner other than as a beggar in the streets. She contemplated her reasoning for everything.

Was her desire for adventure and love for Curtis perhaps out of a selfish desire to free herself from poverty? Sure, they didn't live in luxury while on the move, but they always had enough food and at least some shelter without the risk of being chased off anyone's property. Granted, there were other challenges that came with traveling with an outlaw, but she supposed that any excitement that brought was better than the boring routine of begging and thievery she succumbed to for half of her life. The realization of just how long she had lived without a safety net also weighed on her mind. She had grown accustomed to her life of self-sufficiency after seven years alone, but now after only three weeks of kinship, she couldn't imagine going back to that.

She was afraid to admit it—and perhaps she hadn't known the truth until now—but walking by her lonesome across the vast ocean of sand and dirt without a clear destination revealed to her the obvious motivations for her actions until this point: personal gain and self-preservation. Could she fault herself for wanting to improve her situation? Surely that was a natural motivator for all living things. Surely every animal and person acted toward the goal of not only surviving but thriving in their environment and cutting out anything that encouraged deterioration or complacency.