To my Dearest Friend

apologies and the dreadful past

Yves montague

I'm laying on my bed. Tired, alone and numb. I don't went to get up, it's honestly exhausting. Everything I do is wrong, my father tells me he loves me but at the same time he gets mad at the slightest misstep. It's exhausting, I don't want it. I'm getting dressed as the bell rings. I guess it must be akiva so I walk down the stairs when I see Akiva already sitting in the living room, 'Mary let me in.' he says. I nod and open the door. It's my father. I immediately look down.' I'm sorry father, I did not know you were coming otherwise I would have followed your advice.' Akiva is standing next to me all of a sudden. 'What he really means is that he is not sorry because he should not be and you've been rude and you've embarrased him yesterday.' 'Akiva!!' 'Somebody needs to tell the truth' he says cynically. 'Perhaps your friend is right Yves. Yesterday was not a good look for me. I am the one who should apologise.' I frown. 'Who are you and where is is my father?' He laughs. 'May I come in?' 'No' akive says while I say 'Yes' we look at eachother as my father enters the house. 'Come on, throw him out!' Akiva says. 'Why?' I ask. 'Because he disregarded your feelings, bounderies and now private space!' 'It's not that serious Akiva. You are blowing this out of proportion.' He groans.

We sit down in the living room. 'Would you like some tea?' I ask. He shakes his head. 'I just came here to apologise to you Yves, and I wanted to ask if you still want to go on that trip to Paris or if That is too much to ask?' I smile but I honestly think that was a bit passive agressive, I smile nonetheless as I say: 'Of course I'll do that for you father' Akiva suddenly aks. 'Why the heated reaction sir?' 'excuse me which reaction?' my father asks. 'Perhaps I'm seeing this the wrong way, and you may correct me but it did seem like you knew the clothes Yves was wearing, and if so, why would they anger you. Respectfully, I am just curious.' My fathers face changes expression. 'I think I'll be going gentlemen.' he says while getting up. 'I found them in your  closet.' I say. He stops. 'Your mother must have misplaced some clothes.' 'Father, they were clearly made for men.' 'I would rather not talk about this.' He says while heading for the door.

'Please do not escalate things between us!' I say to akiva when my father left. 'I just want to understand your father and why he makes your life a living hell, so please just....' 'I don't get him, and I don't strive to understand him.' 'Why not?' 'Because I am afraid the reason will be worse and than the treatment Akiva.' I look at the birds in the garden Akiva is silent, which, when you get to know him, is quite rare. 'Are you alright?' I ask. He can barely hold in his laughter. 'Asked the one who shouldn't be asking that.' I smile 'Lets do something fun. I'm bored sad and grumpy' He laughs and we stand up. 'I can't wait to be in Paris again. Akive says. 'Yes, me too.' I lie too much. But on one side I am excited. We're almost going to paris, the city of Cyrils dreams.

Mathieu montague

I look at the passing fields of France as I near the city. I smile, I will finally see him again, I will finally be able to hold him in my arms again, three weeks seemslike millenia when it is the one you love. I can't wait to hold my Michel again. I can't wait to see him again- We arrive at the station and there he is. My face lights up! I run up to him and drop my suitcases. I hug him, the only display of love that is somewhat acceptable. I look at his face. He looks fully and incandesently happy. I can't utter a words because he just takes my breath away, with his long straight white hair, his white eyelashes, his blue suits and the lace he loves to wear. He is a human you could look at your whole life without getting bored of it or noticing all the details he puts into his clothes. His eyes reflect the way he feels about me, as do mine. 'Let's go home my love' he whispers in my ear. We enter the carriage and he immediately kisses me. 'I missed you' I smile and put my forehead on his. 'I missed you too.' I say while a tears of happines streams down my cheek. 'You're wearing something new.' Michel says. I'm glad he notices, I nod. 'I love the green paired with the purple.' 'I'm glad you do. 'So have you read anything new? I shake my head. 'Not yet, I wanted to wait for you.' He smiles. 'I had the same idea.' He grabs something from a corner of the carriage. 'I have gift for you.' 'You shouldn't have?' I exclaim but he gives me the box anyway. I open it. I can't believe my eyes, he bought me new violin, the last one was officially from my father so I was never allowed to bring it to France. 'Now you can play as much as you want.' 'You have no idea how happy I am with this.' I say, 'I know you, of course I know how happy you are with this. ' 'I brought you something too' I say, I hand him the box. He opens it. It's a string of pearls. 'I don't know why but I thought you might...' 'I love them!' he screams happily.

catch myself smiling as I look at the boring fields of England. I savour the memories of that time while denying them at the same time. I must've been confused, must've been sick in the head. Must've been happy.... I was happy, for one of the few moments in my life I was happy. That feeling of being fulfilled never came back. How hard I'd try, however much money I have. I must say my greed for happiness has made me a better businessman but what did I give up? a loving partner, a happy family, a happy life. If I could trade all my wealth for either of that I would not even hesitate. How unhappy must you be to any that? or you simply do not understand the weight of not being as rich as you are. Perhaps both are true. When I saw Yves entering the room with the clothes I had hidden so many years ago I saw myself. The part of myself that will not let go of me and haunts me throughout my life. The part of myself I wish I did not have. So seeing my boy, the boy I raised to be normal, to fit into this society wear that was like him trying to make himself suffer. And maybe he doesn't even realise it, but he's simply destroying himself because of the life he so desperately wants, he so desperately wishes for. But that life is not real. It cannot be found anywhere and I doubt it ever will be. I only wanted him to be normal, so he wouldn't get hurt. I have tried to shelter him from a love and from a life that cannot be lived.Well, at least not here and now. Maybe I have hope that someday it will be possible, but what can I say? I have always been a hopeless romantic.