Wuckster's Multi-Genre Smackdown Collection

Big News From Cousin R.

Author's Note:  For this entry we had to retell a classic fairy tale in the form of a letter in 1000 words or less.

Dear Schreckelweltsbottom,

Hello, Cousin! Long time no talk. How's the family? Please tell Auntie Polkaschwortsblints I said happy belated birthday and that all is well with me. I did have a nasty bunion on my big toe recently, but I got some new shoes and it's doing much better.

In other news, guess who's about to get themselves a baby? That's right. Me! And before you get too riled up, no I haven't gotten married nor do I have a girlfriend. I haven't even been on a date since that waitress you tried to set me up with who called me a weird, sad little man. No, I'm about to take the queen's first born baby! She's going to give it to me because of a deal we made a while back.

Maybe you've heard about this, but she wasn't always the queen. She used to just be an ordinary miller's daughter. Her daddy was some kind of blowhard who went around bragging that she could spin straw into gold. The king heard about this and locked her up in a room full of straw and threatened to kill her if she didn't have it all spun into gold by the morning. But get this, the lady couldn't do it! Can you believe that? She started crying her fool head off about how it was impossible. As if spinning straw into gold isn't one of the first things they teach us in imp kindergarten. Pathetic, if you ask me.

Anyway, I happened to be passing nearby and I heard her blubbering so I went to see what was going on. And this is going to blow your mind, but she offered me her necklace of glass beads if I would do it for her. A necklace of glass beads! For that! Can you imagine? You'd better believe I spun that straw into gold and got me a glass bead necklace for my troubles.

You would think the king would have been satisfied with that, but no. The next day he put her in an even bigger roomful of straw and told her to do it again or he'd execute her. This time I managed to extort a glass ring out of her. I felt like the luckiest imp around getting a necklace of glass beads and a glass ring in just two nights!

Well, the king still wasn't satisfied so he put her into an even bigger room and said this time if she spun all the straw into gold before morning he'd marry her, but if she failed it was going to be curtains. So she had another big sobbing fit and I showed up again and told her it was no big deal. Just pay me some more glass bling and I'd do it for her, no problem. But she said she had nothing left to pay me with. I'm not going to lie, I was a little sad at first I wasn't going to get more glass jewelry, but being the accommodating guy I am, I told her I would accept her first child as payment. And she agreed!

So the king actually followed through and married her and just a few days ago they had a baby boy. So of course I went to claim my rightful property and the queen had the audacity to try to renege on our deal! She tried to buy me off with gold and other useless coins. She said she'd give me all the wealth she had. I'll admit I almost caved when she offered me a pair of glass earrings, but a deal's a deal. She promised me a baby and a baby I shall have.

She started begging and pleading with me and, once again, being the nice accommodating guy that I am, I told her I'd let her keep the child if she could guess my name within three days. I knew there was no chance she'd ever get it. Heck, I haven't the foggiest idea what her name is either. Never thought to ask.

Still, you should have heard some of the crazy guesses she came up with. Names like Rupert and Demosthenes and Alejandro and Jeff. Nope! Not even close, lady!

Tomorrow's day three and when she once again fails to guess my name I'm going to collect my baby! I've been so excited about it, I made up a catchy little song and I've been singing it repeatedly at the top of my lungs. I couldn't help but put my name in the lyrics. It just fit the meter too well not to. I think once I finish writing this letter to you, I'll go outside and sing it again. I think maybe I'll set up my little karaoke set and sing it through a microphone at full volume. It's not like there's any neighbors around here to complain about the noise.

After that I think I'll go on a shopping trip to Babies "R" Us so I can get everything all set up for the new addition to the household. I already painted the spare room with pictures of teddy bears and bunny rabbits. It'll make a fantastic nursery. Can't wait to meet the little munchkin. If he's too cute I just might eat him right up.

Anyway, that's pretty much it for me. I'll send you some baby photos as soon as I get them. I've already got my eye on a cute little dinosaur onesie that should be absolutely adorable. Can't wait! Tomorrow's the big day and I'm sure nothing at all could possibly go wrong to foil my plans.

Be sure to write back to me and let me know what's new with all of you. Maybe the baby and I can make it out to see you all at Christmas.

Yours Truly,

Rumpelstiltskin

P.S. I'm already considering baby names. What do you think about Preston?