σɾɳιƚԋαʂ (ρʝσ x ɱαʅҽ σƈ)

I Almost Get Stoned

Theo: Ow.

I got back up and wiped off some of the mud that was stuck on me as we kept walking.

After tripping and cursing and generally feeling miserable for another mile or so, I started to see light up ahead: the colors of a neon sign. I could smell food. Fried, greasy, excellent food. I realized I hadn't eaten anything unhealthy since I'd arrived at Half-Blood Hill, where we lived on grapes, bread, cheese, and extra-lean-cut nymph-prepared barbecue. This boy needed a double cheeseburger.

We kept walking until I saw a deserted two-lane road through the trees. On the other side was a closed-down gas station, a tattered billboard for a 1990s movie, and one open business, which was the source of the neon light and the good smell. It wasn't a fast-food restaurant like I'd hoped. It was one of those weird roadside curio shops that sell lawn flamingos and wooden Indians and cement grizzly bears and stuff like that. The main building was a long, low warehouse, surrounded by acres of statuary. The neon sign above the gate was impossible for me to read, because if there's anything worse for my dyslexia than regular English, it's red cursive neon English.

Of course, I couldn't read it. To me, it said: ATNYU MES GDERAN GOMEN MEPROUIM.

Theo: What does that say?

Percy shrugged.

Annabeth: I don't know.

Right, I saw her reading so many times that I forget that she's dyslexic too.

Grover: Aunty Em's Garden Gnome Emporium.

Flanking the entrance, as advertised, were two cement garden gnomes, ugly bearded little runts, smiling and waving, as if they were about to get their picture taken.

We crossed the street, and I could smell hamburgers.

Grover: Hey...

Theo: The lights are on inside. Maybe it's still open.

Percy: (wistfully) Snack bar.

Annabeth: (wistfully) Snack bar.

Theo: (wistfully) Snack bar.

Grover: Are you guys crazy? This place is weird.

We ignored him.

The front lot was a forest of statues: cement animals, cement children, even a cement satyr playing the pipes, which gave Grover the creeps.

Grover: Bla-ha-ha! Looks like my Uncle Ferdinand!

We stopped at a warehouse door. I raised my hand to knock, but grabbed my wrist and stopped me.

Grover: Don't knock! I smell monsters.

Annabeth: Your nose is clogged up from the Furies. All I smell is burgers. Aren't you hungry?

Grover: Meat! I'm a vegetarian.

Percy: You eat cheese enchiladas and aluminum cans.

Grover: Those are vegetables. Come on. Let's leave. These statues are...looking at me.

Theo: I'm sure this place serves vegan food. Don't worry about it.

I was about to knock, but the door opened. Standing in front of us was a tall Middle Eastern woman—at least, I assumed she was Middle Eastern, because she wore a long black gown that covered everything but her hands, and her head was completely veiled. Her eyes glinted behind a curtain of black gauze, but that was about all I could make out. Her coffee-colored hands looked old, but well-manicured and elegant, so I imagined she was a grandmother who had once been a beautiful lady.