My mind galloped with different thoughts, scenarios, questions, and even worries. Was my little sister really destined to be like me? A single parent to a child produced during a drunken one night stand?
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything under the Sun and I'd do anything for her to see her happy, healthy, and to see her smile, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish that I'd had her under different circumstances. Though I wasn't a virgin when I slept with her dad, he was my very first—and only—one night stand.
I always dreamt of being happily married, one of those marriages built on the foundation of God like my grandparents. Married to someone who knew everything about me, inside and out. Someone my parents loved, cause God knows I always felt like I needed their approval and validation.
I believed my business would be bigger than what it is now. I get to do what I love cause I love what I do and it's doing enough to pay the bills and then some, but I'd thought I'd have time to do more, network and branch out more.
Having Lani has never made me feel like any of my goals or ambitions were cut short, I think of it as a delay. She's what keeps me afloat when I start doubting myself and my ability to reach my goals. I couldn't fathom the thought of not going after my dreams after telling my 4 year old that she can and will be whatever she wants to be in this life.
Before pulling out of the parking lot of the post office, I dialed my older brother's number into my phone, he was my second go to after Aria. He typically called to check in on me and talk to Leilani a few times a week. The last time we talked was a few days ago, I just needed to make sure everything was okay and that at the very least, no one was dead, especially my grandparents or parents.
Keith picked up on the 3rd ring, his goofy voice boomed through my Bluetooth, "Where's the child" he spoke, cutting straight to the chase, causing me to laugh. I sighed immediately after, "Thank God you're okay and still have a sense of humor, that means no one's dead" I joked, but was extremely serious. "...right?" I asked for reassurance, this time seriousness in my tone, waiting for his reply.
"What concoction has your brain brewed up now? You think too damn much, what would make you think someone died, Noelle?" My older brother poked. Still the same shithead that bullied me from age 0-24, glad that's never changing. I rolled my eyes at his reply, hating the fact that he was right "Keith, Ayva reached out to Aria to get in touch with me. I haven't spoke to her since I left. What's going on out there?" I asked, stopping at a red light, my eyebrows etched together in slight frustration.
"Nothing bad is happening Noelle, relax. No one knows anything that I know about your life down here. Take a breather." He soothed me. I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly, opening my eyes right when the red light turned green. "How's Nani doing?" He asked, sensing that I was more relaxed now.
One thing about Keith, he always knew what to say to make me chill the hell out when I needed to. If he wasn't such a gym rat, you'd think he was a pothead with how zen he can be when it comes to just about anything now. He never told me what I wanted to hear, but exactly what I needed to hear. Even if I didn't like his tone or his delivery, I knew it came from a place of love.
"She's doing great, actually. She's been working on her sight words and has been doing so well with them, she can count up to 25 with little to no help, and I just started trying to teach her how to tie her own shoes" I beamed excitedly to my brother, hearing his yelp in excitement for his niece, "She's gonna be a fuckin genius" he bragged, earning a full belly laugh from me.
"I actually just pulled up to her school, I'm gonna check her out early and spend the rest of the day with her. Her and I both had a rough morning and my plans for today got changed so I'm gonna take it in stride with my favorite girl" I smiled, my heart swelling.
"You're doing such a great job with her Noelle, I remember how worried you were when you first found out you were pregnant. I saw this potential in you from the get go, if anyone has motherly instincts, it's you. I don't say it as much as I should, but I'm proud of you, and I love you. I can't wait to meet Nani in person, I plan on making my way down there soon, I'm gonna keep you updated" my brother sighed. I could feel the love through his voice, and that made it all the better.
"Thank you Keith, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that today, I love you too, and I know Leilani is so excited to finally meet her Uncle Key" I chuckled, causing him to do the same. Since Leilani could talk clear enough for us to understand her, she's always called Keith "key" cause she didn't know how to pronounce it fully. Keith wasn't too fond of the nickname at first, but it eventually started to grow on him; however, she's the only one he allows to call him that and I thought it was the most adorable thing ever.
My brother and I cut the call shortly after as I pulled up to Leilani's school and laid my head on the steering wheel one last time, a single tear of wetness rolling down my face. I hadn't even noticed I was crying. I zoned out, my ears ringing and my thin pair of slacks now soaked on the knee from my tears falling directly down. I allowed myself to have this moment of crying out the frustrations.
This moment of silence, of my heart aching, the feeling of being lost, alone, a horrible mother. I question my ability to be everything Lani needs in this lifetime and more every day that I breathe. I have little to no guidance and little to no help, but hearing my loved ones tell me how good I'm doing with Leilani was so heartwarming, especially when I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.
Aria is an amazing friend and Godmother to my daughter and an even better best friend. She helped me silently pick up and move, find a job, apartment, and even kept my pregnancy a secret. Even when everything around me is crashing and burning, I always know that she's a constant.
I was wallowing in my self pity when I was brought back to my reality by an Elmo song that was Leilani's favorite when she was little. I burst out in laughter and I'm sure that if anyone was watching me they'd think I'd lost my mind. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smiling at the song that was playing as I looked at my red eyes in the mirror.
I looked at the time, 10:20 am. After taking a few breaths and putting in eye drops to get rid of the redness, I stepped out of my vehicle and headed into the building to check out my pride and joy.
————————
"Mom, can we watch Finding Dory when we get home?" Lani asked, looking down, focusing on trying to scoop her ice cream with her spoon without making a mess. If there's one thing Lani can't stand, it's making a mess. When she was a baby she would get mad when sitting in her high chair if she got food on her hands.
I figured it was a texture thing and she would get over it as she got older, she's going on 5 and still can't stand being messy, so she slows down when eating and is more careful than most children her age because of it.
"We can do whatever you want, my love" I smiled down at her over my banana split. She grinned and looked up at me finally, "Do you wanna try mine?" She smiled, holding out a spoon full of sherbet ice cream. I nodded and she put the spoon to my lips as I groaned dramatically, "so good" I theatrically fell out in my chair, the ice cream shop filled with her giggle that swelled my heart.
Her fit of giggles faded as she got out her seat and walked over to me. She hugged me, laying her head on my arm, "I'm sorry I cried this morning" she spoke, nuzzling her head into my left arm. I could tell that she wanted to cry, but she wanted to be a big girl cause we were out in public. "It's okay Lani. Mommy just wants you to use your big girl words. It's okay to feel sad and to cry, you just have to tell me what's going on. As bad as I want to, I can't read your mind. And even if you don't want to talk about it, you have the right to tell me that, mommy understands that sometimes people just don't want to talk while they're upset" I said, smoothing her hair down and caressing her cheek gently. She kissed my arm and made her way back over to her seat.
When finishing, we headed back to my car and Leilani put herself in her booster seat. I played her playlist on my phone that consisted of her children's affirmation's songs and learning songs and we sang the whole way home. Upon arriving home, I checked my mailbox, remembering what Aria said about my little sister sending me something in the mail.
Due to my nerves, I avoided looking through all my Mail like I normally do, and just headed into the house to tend to my toddler. When she was all set with her movie playing, I decided to finally look at the mail. My heart stopped at what was before me.
YOU ARE READING
Noelle.
Romance"Noelle." He spoke. That was my first time hearing my name off his lips, and I may have lost my cool for the first time in my life. "Now that I say it, you're more of a Noelle than a Nikki" he gave a goofy grin.
