Dear Dream || NCT Dream

·we·

'아주 먼, 어느 밤,'

'One night, far from now,'

Dear Dream,

Writing this on the tour bus probably wasn't the best idea, all the bumps in the road are messing up my handwriting and I've had to rewrite this letter about seven times.

I should've just put it away for a later date and slept like Jaehyun hyung told me to.

I should have, but I couldn't.

Because every bump in the road reminded me of you. And every stop we took reminded me of us.

Every breath and every word reminded me of all our memories.

And I couldn't sleep at all.

Honestly, I'd never wanted to have memories with you all.

I just wanted to share a forever.

A forever, where there was no need to dwell in the past of the smiles I loved because they were right in front of me.

A forever, where I could still joke about wanting to leave because I hadn't tasted what life was without you.

A forever, where every tear shed on stage was a happy one because you were there standing besides me.

And I realised a while back, but it started to hurt more as the days passed.

Because watching you through a screen made me miss the warmth that you had gifted me.

And sitting by this window at five in the morning — watching the stars as they melt away into the day, reminded me of the way you painted my sky.

It was a masterpiece.

But the way their bright lights slowly dimmed until I couldn't see them anymore, was too reminiscent of the way you all started to fade from my life.

Slowly. One by one.

I couldn't see the smiles anymore.

Couldn't feel the comfort of a familiar hold.

Or hear the joy of a familiar laugh.

I couldn't see the sun in your eyes after they had dulled so much.

I'm sorry. This was all my fault to begin with. I shouldn't have let myself let you go so easily, I should've listened to my heart for once.

Now it doesn't want to be apart from you and it's clawing away at the walls of my chest, trying to escape and run back to the people that held it in their hands for so long.

It's trying to return home and I'm taking it further away.

I feel so horrible, but I don't think there is much I can do now.

It'll have to be homeless from now on, since the company doesn't want to provide it with a shelter anymore.

In these crowds of people, I don't know why, but I feel so alone.

Even with one of you here with me, sleeping only a few small steps away from where I'm sat — I still feel empty. And I miss you guys even more.

I miss Dream.

I miss Renjun.

I miss Jeno.

I miss Donghyuck.

I miss Jaemin.

I miss Chenle.

I miss Jisung.

But by far, I miss the image of us together, the most.

Why did they tear us apart?

I keep on asking myself the same question over and over again. I can't control it, but I'm the one to blame because I'm the only one that's feeling.

Maybe I'll continue feeling this way as well. Maybe I'll have to live like this forever.

I can accept that.

Although, not before telling you guys a few things.

First and most importantly, I love you.

Next is thank you.

(For everything. I mean it. Even for all the teasing and jokes you made about me. I'm grateful for every moment and everything that you have blessed me with. Thank you for the happiness, safety and cough medicine. For the dictionaries disguised as Mac's and the shoehorns and embarrassment that comes with carrying them around. Thank you for being more than just team mates to me, for giving me another family to cherish.)

And the last thing I wanted to say was to never give up and to stay strong. This year Dream is losing more than just me. And I know that it'll be hard, for the seven of us. I won't be able to watch it happen, but I don't think I'd have the heart to anyway. I don't want to see you have to break away from each other like I had done to you. I don't want to have to bear the thought of those who leave, feeling like how I'm feeling right now.

I don't want that.

So please keep the best for yourselves in mind and treasure these moments together. Listen to your heart and fight if you have to, don't destroy it's home like I did.

And if time thinks cruel enough to push you to separate paths, don't be sad. I'll play the hypocrite pridefully telling you to be happy.

A name and label isn't what binds us together, regardless of how we started.

It's love.

And as long as you don't let it die, you'll find a way to make it work. Distance feels like torture, but like how I think of you all when the night falls and feel peace, you can all learn to stay together while you're apart.

In thoughts and never in memories.

Because we were never a memory and we never will be.

We are here and we are now.

We are a forever, just not one for the world to see.

That's all that I felt the need to relay to you.

My heart wants to say more. It wants to tell you how much I think about you throughout the day, tell you that actually I'm not okay being so far from you — that I cannot except or live in a life without you. It wants to tell you, but I'm not going to let it.

But it's pleading for me to leave you with some of its own words and I'll grant it that one wish.

It wants to tell you that home isn't where the heart is.

Home is with Dream.

Sincerely, Lee Minhyung.