happier than ever

sweeter dreams

sapnap always says about how much he hates his meds, to his mom, to karl, to his stepdad or sister, but he never really remembers how much he actually despises them until the feeling is coursing through his body and making him feel alienated in his own skin.

he quietly leaves his room, not even aware of what time it is, and crosses over the hall to tap gentle fingers against his sister's door.

through the wood, he hears a gentle hum followed closely by, "yeah?"

he lets himself in, stepping through a slim gap in the door so he doesn't let too much light in. he catches sight of the girl across the room, snuggled up in bed and clearly half asleep as her eyes sag with the effort of being held open.

"i can't sleep," he admits quietly, feeling ridiculous but just needing his sister to be there for him.

despite them not being biologically related, sapnap doesn't think he has ever considered someone family as much as alyssa.

she holds an arm out to him, and he is too drained to even muster up a smile as he crosses over the room and climbs up into her bed. it feels different to his own or karl's, since she has so many blankets and pillows crowding the space, but he always enjoys the comfort.

he cuddles up to her side, letting her wrap an arm around his shoulders as he allows his eyes to flutter shut.

sapnap can't remember how their little sleepovers started, but it feels like months since he has caved under the pressure of his insomnia and retired himself to her room.

"what's keeping you up?" the blond asks quietly into the air of the night, sounding a little raspy from her recent sleep.

"just thinking about karl," he confesses easily since she has been regularly updated by him. he ended up ranting to her in the car a few days ago when she needed a lift, because he was just so desperate for someone to talk to, and since then he hasn't stopped messaging her with every new update.

karl has been cuddled by his side every minute, so he has seen just about everything sapnap has said and not minded.

"oh sap," she sighs, offering a stupid sisterly pat to the back of his head. "you shouldn't have to deal with all of this."

alyssa sounds choked up, always the one to become quickly emotional. to try and slightly divert the conversation and stop her from actually bursting into tears, he simply says, "i just want him to be happy." to him, that sounds like a good way to introduce the end of the conversation.

"you love him a lot, huh?" alyssa says, fondness easily replacing her previous indifference. sapnap nods against her shoulder, feeling mournful over the fact he can't share her endearment in the moment.

he really hates his meds.

"makes me a little jealous," alyssa says with a light-hearted breathy sound, and the joke lands flat to sapnap's tired ears.

"you'll find someone," he tells his sister, more serious than most of the things he says to her. he usually has a wholly playful attitude when he talks with the blond, so the recent venting and his genuine words feel alien in their relationship.

"you really are stupid," alyssa says, light-hearted, but there's something else in her tone that sapnap can't exactly put a name to.

he blinks his eyes open again, despite how heavy they have become, and shifts to look up at her. she is already looking back, an expectant expression painted on her features. "why?"

she sighs, reaching up to flick away some of his hair so their eyes can meet properly. "i'm aromantic, sapnap. i thought you would've worked that out by now."

the brunette sits up, emotion bursting in his chest for what feels like the first time since taking his meds. he is surprised. "why did you never tell me?"

"well, in my defence, i tried to drop hints," she says, smiling a little shyly, though there's amusement in her eyes. "i just don't wanna ever properly come out, not after how your dad reacted to you liking guys."

"my mom and your dad would never be like that," sapnap assures her, knowing from first-hand experience. plus, it might just be him, but he feels like society will be generally more accepting of someone who doesn't want to date than someone who wants to date the same sex. though, maybe that's just a view that he built from the prejudice he has experienced.

"thanks," she smiles, clearly not fully convinced. carefully, the blonde guides his head back against her shoulder. "now try to sleep."

and he does.

♡

i have to go to work soon and after that i'm working on a new book so have this earlier post :]

i love youuuu!!

-kit