My name is Olive.
I'm named after my mom. I have always been told that I have my mother's stubborness and eyes. I was told she was a lovely woman, who never took anything too serious. That was also what killed her. I mean, not the 'lovely woman'-part - no, the thing about never taking anything too seriously. If she had taken it seriously, she may had been here today. She wouldn't have driven the car, when she wasn't capable of it, and she would have listened to the warnings, and she would be with me, here today. I don't really know if I can blame her, because, it was her boyfriend who drove the car - Jeff. He wasn't my father, and didn't really have anything to do with me. He was just my mom's boyfriend, who killed them both in a car crash, because they both were too drunk to function.
You might ask where I was at the time, well...I was at my granny's home, getting baby-sitted, while my mom went out to party. Afterall she was only seventeen when she got me, and my biological father - her previous boyfriend, wouldn't have anything to do with me. My granny always helped my mom, taking care of me. Mainly because she wanted my mom to finish college and get an exam. She had no choice, but to help, and she did help. I was two when my mom died. I had lost my mother and I had no idea where my father was. It wasn't even like they could prove who he was, because, it seemed that my mom had been a bit promiscuous.
It's a long time ago now. I'm seventeen years old now, and today it was fifteen years since she died. I was over at the cemetery today to visit her. I have been doing this, since I started to ask about my mother, whom I couldn't remember, as I only had been a toddler when she had died. I remeber the day when I asked granny about it. She had gotten a scary look on her face, like she hadn't been talking about her for a long time, but she knew I deserved to know it, and soon got a smile on her face, while tears had gathered in her eyes. She told me how she always looked lightly on things, and how she always could make her smile, even though my granny was mad at her, for breaking curfew or getting bad grades or such. "She wasn't the smartest knife in the drawer, but you couldn't do anything but love her", she had said and had taken my small hand in hers. "Whenever she got a new idea, it always failed, but she was determined to keep on going....the best thing in life she did, was getting you", she had said with a kind smile. I was six at the time, and I was beginning to ask questions about my mommy and daddy, whom I never had met, and wouldn't ever get to meet.
Granny was being honest and always told me what I asked about. When I got a bit older, she started telling me more about my mom - even the bits that didn't exactly make her look like a good mother. "It was always hard for your mom to let go of the wild life, when she got you, but you have to know, that she loved you deeply. When she was starting in college again, she didn't want to leave you, but I reassured her, that I was going to take care of you, and that she should go", my granny had told. "She wanted to make a good future for you...and the two first years she worked very hard...before she died", she had said teary eyed, excusing herself. Afterall, she had lost her only child and my grandfather had died when my mom was twelve, so she was being a strong woman and she is an ever inspiration for me.
Anyway, I still live at my grandmothers house, and I'm at college in the second year. In my past time I play the piano and sing in a band I have with four of my best friends; Alice, Ivy, Finn and Luke. We have been friends since we were in elementary school, and I love them all to pieces. We call ourselves 'Juno and The Constants' for no apparent reason, we just thought it sounded cool at the time....we don't do anymore. Actually, we think it's a weird name and we're also thinking of changing it. We have been playing at a few gigs at our school and also at a party once and we have gotten really good feedback on our music, which is inspired a lot by the band Alphabeat, if you know them - they are really good. Luke and I sing in the band, and he also plays the lead-guitar. Finn plays the drums, Alice plays the rhytm-guitar and Ivy plays the bass. Someday I hope we'll get discovered by someone from SYCO or something, and we were also thinking about entering the X-factor....but we rather not enter it, because...we don't think we could go much farther than bootcamp. I guess we'll just wait until one day - hopefully - where we're getting a call from one of the leading music companies in London. Oh! I forgot to tell you: I live in a small town outside of London called Sheffield.
.... I don't know what else to tell about myself now....
Well, actually....I seem like a happy girl, and I am...just ot all the time. Actually, most of the times I feel like a piece of shit. I feel lost and somedays I feel like all my friends, don't really like me. Like, they're only friends with me of pity. They all know that I live with my granny, and that my mom died when I was two...but I haven't told them everything. I'll tell you now,
I cut. In my skin. Sometimes only making it bleed a bit. Sometimes I cut to deep, and I already have several scars on my thighs, where I normally cut. It's because I don't want anyone to know. I feel ashamed of it and I know I shouldn't be doing it, but it's like.... it gives me a feeling...it's hard to explain, but....when I cut, I feel like I can control anything. I like when the razor make me bleed. I love seeing the blood run down my thighs and feel a numbness run over me. I know I should be stopping, but it's like I'm addicted. I tried stopping once, and I didn't cut for about two months, but....then I fell in love with a guy from school....and we kissed once....and then I found out it had been a dare. It made me feel like a joke. A loser. I went directly home from school, into the bathroom, my mascara was running and I found the razor and....I cut. It was deep this one and the blood just kept on running. At first it felt nice, but then I started panicking. I grabbed a towel in an attemp of making the blood stop running....after about ten minutes it stopped and it was aching so badly. The scar is still there, along with several others, and I don't think it ever will dissapear. A year ago I was starting to get a depression, and I wanted to attemp suicide, but one thing was holding me back from cutting the final cut with the razor: Five boys.
Five boys who didn't even knew that I excisted. Five boys whom I had followed since they were in the X Factor UK back in 2010. It was three years ago now, and I was still loving them as mnuch as before. If you haven't guessed it already, it was the five boys from One Direction.
Yeah, they were fit and they had some cathchy tunes and some of the songs were really beautiful - especially *Little Things', but it wasn't what attracted me to them. No, it was like I knew them. I loved them all equally, only because of them. They were just five normal teenage lads who had gotten famous, and they had millions of fans, but still they were as honest as they could be. I loved them as much as you love your only child. Well...it isn't safe to say that I loved them, cause to be realistic, I don't know them at all, but only my imagination of them. It felt like I knew them all and vice versa. Like we were best friends. It may sound like I'm insane now, but honestly, I'm not. It's just....they are the friends I can talk to, when I have nobody else to talk to. They just listen and I like it that way.
They comfort me when I'm down, and I'm not overreacting when I say that they saved my life - unaware that is - but, as I sat with the razor in my hand, I thought about the boys. I wouldn't get to meet them ever, they wouldn't get to know that I ever excisted, I wouldn't get to see their adorable faces or hear their songs again. I started crying and dropped the razor on the floor and broke down, right there on the bathroom floor of my grandmothers house. She wasn't home at the time, and she never found out about that I almost killed myself. I was the only thing she had left, and I couldn't do that to her.
.....
Well, I think that's all you have to know about me. I'm sorry if I made you sad, but I promise the next chapters will be a lot happier, because, I'm going to tell you - day by day - of my attempt of meeting the five boys who saved my life. That's right: I'm going to meet One Direction, one way or another.
