Deep Thoughts

Hibiscus

TW: S/H

That was not that long ago, i went to the other side of the world. And i thought nothing could be more healing and relaxing than a night walk in the campaign of south France. I was wrong.

One of the most amazing night walk i ever had was in Korea, in the little streets of Seoul. It was actually one of the last nights i was spending in Korea and i was sleeping in a strange motel (that seemed to be a hidden love hotel) , and my best friend was here, with me.

We were nothing else but tired, exhausted, we couldn't align three words without arguing with the others, but finally we could spend a little time alone, a last time before getting separated for an indefinited period.

We knew it was beautiful, but we couldn't just have a good time, it was kinda too much, weird right? Tiredness, probably.

I couldn't imagine i was spoiling precious time, i regret a little now.

When i got back home, i realised how lucky i was and how my life was boring there. I mean, it's like i went in a rehab and then relapsed in severe depression, so violently that i almost cried of regrets.

And now, we're in winter, in the cold, dark and sad winter. I got back to school, i got new friends and met new bitches, new relationships, new boring professors and i can't stop remember the moments i spend this night with a melancolic nostalgia.

How about now ?
How i am supposed to think this is what i am supposed to belong to ?

I just can't, that's why i am searching for some adrenalin anywhere i can. Like a last shot i had in unlimited quantity there. I make friends, and i lose them instantly because of that. Feels like i'm not normal right ?

Sometimes i'm scared by myself, surely because of my eternal search for spice in my life. Yeah, i'm really scared by the addicted side of me ; after all, what if i relapsed ? Who would care ? Who would see ? My friends ? As i said, i don't have that much friends.
Maybe i'm just scared to be lonely with this side of myself, it would suddenly remind me terrible things i did to myself and the people around me and i would understand why my friends are faking the fact they like spend time with me.

No... it can't be that...

Maybe i should see a therapist... should i ?