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The Kingmaker - Detailed Feedback

Try to think more from the perspective of the reader. It's fine to have some vagueness and moments where the story is unclear to add to mystery and engagement, but for those beginning chaps, it's very important to be clear so the audience doesn't get confused, which brings me back to my point about the first line of dialogue.

Keep in mind this is the very first chapter of the story. We don't really know who's who yet. We're not even a minute into the story, so it's hard for us to tell what's going on even if you tell us after-the-fact.

I am someone who encourages using as few dialogue tags as possible, so I'm not saying give it a dialogue tag, but just showing more indication for who's speaking is a possibility to consider. Maybe have Haizaki drag Kuroko before the dialogue so it acts as a smoother transition into it.

Yes, the action happens after the dialogue to signal who was speaking, but it's the very first line of the story, and you don't show us who's speaking until after it's said. Do you see why that'd be a bit confusing? Now the reader has to go back and do more work to figure out who's speaking when the action could have easily been moved to before the dialogue.

Keep in mind we don't know these characters this early in the story. Being clear is crucial for hooking a reader in. It's fine to do these things in later chapters when we're used to the characters, but in the beginning we don't know their names, personalities, roles, etc. yet, so that's why I'm agreeing with the other commenter.

The first chapter does have interesting elements, but I caution you for the future not to include so much in first chapters. There's a lot going on, and some of it is hard to latch onto considering we're learning about new characters, new places, the emotional state of these characters, the tensions between these characters, and other things like the Lost Mothers. I think it's fine for this, but for future stories, keep in mind how much you put into the first chapter and if it will overwhelm the reader.

The Lost Mothers part felt a bit out of place, in my opinion. We just got done with an intense scene, and before we have time to process it, we're now given a few paragraphs of exposition about the Lost Mothers.

Still, I think it's fine since it's an isolated case, but again that's something to keep in mind for future stories: how much new information are you giving the audience in the first few chapters?

I understand why you gave us that exposition. All I'm saying is it felt a bit out of place considering the scene we had just gone through.

I would suggest consistently using italics to show character thoughts. It's not a big deal, but it does help readers identify the difference between thoughts and text, even if you give a tag to indicate who is thinking what.

For example, from chapter two, "Jealous? What does he mean? Tetsuya wonders..."

Putting the "Jealous? What does he mean?" in italics would help separate it from the regular text.

You do this later in the story, so I'm not sure if there was a change between the beginning and the later chaps, but for consistency's sake, I'd suggest keeping all the thoughts in italics.

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Side Note:

Some of the chapters are very long. I'm willing to bet they're around 3.5k words each for the longer ones that have 11-15 minute read times. That isn't a flaw or a criticism because I think a chapter's quality is determined by its impact, not its length. I'm only bringing it up because your profile says you're a new writer so you may not know the Wattpad algorithm.

This isn't me telling you to write shorter chapters (my chapters are always pretty long too). I'm bringing it up because Wattpad pushes stories that have chapters around 1k-2.5k words. It's totally fine if you want to keep writing long chapters and I don't think that's a flaw, I just brought it up in case that was something that interested you for future works. 

I see you're very interested in putting your work out there through awards and reviews and things like that, so I thought maybe you'd be interested in hearing that about the algorithm in case you didn't know. If you already knew that or are not interested in appeasing the algorithm, that's chill! I do the same thing, so I understand. But just in case you didn't know, I thought I'd bring it up anyway.

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Summary:

- Interesting mysteries

- Engaging chapter titles

- I can tell you have clear direction

- There is a lot of tension in the story

- The world is very engaging and immersive

- It feels like a refreshing and unique story

- Some clarity issues

- Consider using less exposition in the first chapter for your future stories

- Consider keeping thoughts consistently in italics

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Overall: 

The Kingmaker is a high fantasy story that appeals to those looking for a longer, more complex read that will ask them to pay attention to the details. These types of stories are rare on Wattpad, so this is a story I'd recommend to anyone looking for something that focuses on being thought-provoking and engaging.

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Thank you for submitting your story. I don't read high fantasy since I don't have much free time to read, so it was interesting to take a look at this genre. Thanks for giving me some exposure to it; it's always good to diversify my reading list.

If you have any questions, please let me know. I wish you the best of luck on your story!