12:51 Blaze It ( Julian Casablancas Fic )

Chapter 11 pt. 1

You're worthless, you know that? Completely worthless. This amazing boy walks into your life and you just leave him like he's nothing but an old high school classmate, and then you fuck someone else to get over it? You're a whore. Nothing but a fucked up nymphomaniac.

I fist my hair and yank at it, trying to get rid of the voices inside my head. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor at half past 8 on a Tuesday night, and Julian is out at a meeting with his band.

He's not actually at that meeting, you know, my mind says. He's out with some other girl that's far better than you. Hell, almost anyone he picked off the street would be better than you. I can't believe you treated him the way you did.

Shut up, I fight back, closing my eyes shut tight. Please just go away.

Why? What good would that do?

I could get some fucking sleep for once.

Aw, but that's no fun. Why go to bed when you can sit here and spiral into destruction with everything you've ever done wrong?

Just leave me alone. I'll fucking drown you out if I have to.

If that's what it takes. 

I reach over and turn on the faucet to the tub, then plug the drain. I'll fucking do it. You think I'm joking? You see me? I will end you.

Go ahead. Whether you die or you pussy out and live, I win either way.

The water's cold, but it gives me something else to focus on. I don't even bother taking off my clothes as I climb in and submerge myself. The water only goes up to my neck so far, and then I hold my breath and sink underwater. I open my eyes, and everything is fuzzy, just how my head feels.  

Just give up, my mind convinces me.

I'm getting there. I inhale and let the water spill into my lungs, and it hurts so much, and for a second I feel a wave of sheer terror wash over me. But it's too late. What good would it do to sit up now? I grip the edges of the tub as tight as I can as I force myself to stay under, and I can't stop my legs from kicking the invisible demons.

Suddenly I feel like I'm tripping on acid. My head goes light and I feel like I'm floating, and it's horrifying. The pain is too much and yet I can't do anything about it. Then my ears are filled with muffled noises, like my conscience screaming at me, begging me to wake up. But it's not my conscience; it's Julian. God, I'm so sorry.