🏎️| F1 one shots

I Finally Wanna Be Alive | Multi

I got a job at formula 1 a few years back after i stopped my therapy sessions figuring it was never useful in the first place. i was in desperate need of a distraction in my life so when i was accepted into it i immediately packed my stuff and left my home town. Anything, anywhere just to escape this hell. I was greeted by the kindest people I've ever met, not like my fucking parents who had one job. It took me 2 years to get used to everyone around me, i wasn't social much like i said making friends was never in my to do list so i only spoke when needed and talked to. That was when i met everyone on the paddock, the whole grid. All of them were incredibly nice and welcoming it made me question everything in my life and what I've done wrong. I even became close to half of them and for the first time in my life i felt seen, heard but unfortunately the heavy heart was still there and the pain never disappeared. I laughed at myself for believing this job could've helped. Everyday was the fucking same, sadly wake up, skip breakfast, pretend, work, try to fall asleep but fail then repeat. Saying I'm tired was an understatement cause i was sure this was being more than fucking tired. Exhaustion fueled me up day and night, mentally and physically and my head never seemed to shut up these past few days. I lied to myself everyday to convince myself i was doing better but man was i even far from good. Suicide was constantly on my mind but bringing myself to do it, the thought of it alone made me want the ground to just swallow me whole, i wish i was brave enough to do it, i really wish. I never understood how someone in desperate need to end themselves and was craving it every minute was actually afraid shitless to attempt. as if a type of forceful gravity was pulling me back and i hated it. I loathed it from the bottom of my heart. I've had worsening days, days where I've accidentally lashed out at some of the drivers from built up anger that was never in my intentions. I won't lie I've grown closer to all of them but the more i had people in my life the more lonely it got. So most days i distanced myself from them thinking isolation was the answer but let me tell you, it never is. It just made it worse but the guys never mentioned anything. little did they know the endless hurting became unbearable and the thoughts were starting to win.

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Day 15

"y/n" did someone call me? "y/n!" shut up "Y/N" i sensed myself snap out of my daze and turned around to be met with carlos's wide eyes as he starred at me concerned. "you were zoned out pretty deeply there" oh.

"oh i didn't..... Know" it's that bad gosh. He seemed to worry with my answer "i called you three times are you okay?" What a fucking question, what a dumb fucking question.

I put on my fakest smile and chuckled at him "I'm fine carlos just thinking" saying i was fine felt like the heaviest word on my tongue.

His face seemed to relax which was a good sign "about what".

I mentally sighed to myself, wanting nothing but to escape this conversation. for once carlos don't be so obvious just once.

"nothing important, what were we talking about anyway" changing subjects was a pro tip with carlos. As he continued his topic with a smile i just physically sat there but mentally somewhere else though i still admired how he smiled talking about his race and wondered how it felt to be happy about something you love, something I'll never have .

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Day 16

I felt a nudge to my arm and my head snapped sideways just to see lando laying his plate down on the table as well as oscar on the opposite side as they both sat down, oscar facing lando and i.