𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

3.

◈ 𝒕𝒘 || 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆 ◈

It's not long before I'm alone again. Not physically alone, because I have Ari and Summer right beside me, but in every other sense of the word I'm alone. It's become so normal that I shouldn't feel this way anymore. But sometimes my heart still aches when I feel left out. Things were different for Summer and I though. She had to fight a mom that wanted her back home. I didn't have that issue.

If I said jump my parents would be the ones asking me how high. Not that I took advantage of that, because I didn't. It's just they didn't care. I could be gone for days and they'd have no recollection of if I was even home or not. I could lie and tell them I started my own gang and they'd find a way to be supportive.

I didn't have an expiring timer here in Australia, Summer did. If I wanted to stay, my parents would find a way to make sure I could. Sometimes I wish I had a mom like Summer's and I know sometimes she wished she had a mom like mine. It's how it always works though, we always want what we can't have.

"I'm going to run to the store to get stuff for tonight." I interject on Ari and Summer time; I need to get away. If I see them kiss one more time, I might turn into how Honey was with Wren.

"Ou, I want to come with." Summer pops up off the couch. "See you later?" She turns to Ari, and he agrees to head off. But it's not before they turn all lovey and I have to fight off the urge to not vomit in front of them.

As we walk around the store grabbing last minute things for the party, Summer decides she wants to bring our conversation back around to my lies of this morning. "So tell me, what really had you at the beach this morning?"

Summer's got her hand on her hip as she speaks. Her tone excited and questioning. She trying to get juicy details I will never spill. "Was it some cute boy you like? You have to tell me?"

I instantly roll my eyes, trying to explain to her again that I simply just want to avoid waking her. My telltale signs popping up like lightning bugs coming out in the summer. We walk in circles, both in the store—and in conversation—until Summer grabs the front of the cart stopping me from avoiding the inevitable downfall of my day.

"I really just went for the waves. If a cute boy showed it was only an added bonus." I look her directly in the eyes, finally pushing my dead giveaways to the side. I mean, I kind of told the truth. A cute boy was always going to show, and it was always a bonus when he did.

Summer's eyes turn in question. "You didn't just call Bax cute did you?"

"In what universe did I just say "Hey Summer, Baxter's cute."?" I scoff and I feel the tips of my ears getting hot. I just couldn't catch a break. I had gone weeks without suspicious and now like a landslide, everything I had worked to keep a secret was crumbling before my eyes.

"What about me being cute?" I feel my stomach literally drop to the floor. If I look down I'm half convinced I will literally see it there below me. I close my eyes tightly before turning to face the boy I was going to try and spend my night avoiding.

"Summer being Summer." I glance toward her. Bax's eyes copying my actions. Of course they did. Every time he's around his eyes don't leave her. He's always stealing glances, just like myself. I'm honestly shocked he gave me two seconds of his attention with her here.

At this point, why am I even here? I'm just a shadow in this world. I was better off trading parents with Summer. I'll take her mom; she can take mine. She'll get to stay and I'll return home. I want her to be happy, to enjoy the luck she's been handed. I'm just slowly starting to believe that maybe I would have been better off staying home. At least I'd never feel alone there.

I walk off without either Bax or Summer noticing. I even take the cart with me, the loud thing still not even pulling their focus. Bax has a way of inviting someone in and trapping them there. His wit, his charm, his cute little smirk. It locks you in and makes you love sick. Well, it at least made me love sick.

"Why'd you run off?" Summer startles me from behind, wrapping her arms around me as she asks. Her personality still as bubbly as ever, while I'm over here contemplating just ending my own pity party by just flying home. 

"I didn't." The words come out cold. In the right light, you might even be able to see my breath in the air, I'm so iced from the encounter.

"You did." Summer reassures me. Almost confused on why I'm trying to disagree on a fact that is blatantly, obviously, true. She wasn't used to seeing me like this. She's always been given the whole story. I've never hid even the smallest of things from her. If anything I was the one in the wrong here, causing issues, making drama. Not anyone else.

"I didn't need to be there for the conversation. I didn't need to watch him still swoon over you and wish he could have you for himself. It's hard to watch. So I walked away to avoid watching his downfall. Which you'd never see because you're too wrapped up in Ari. But I digress." I hold my hands up in defeat. "I just feel bad for him. Sue me."

I gather most of the bags up in my hands and walk off, Summer left standing dumbfounded by my words. She lived her life looking through rose colored glasses. She looked past the sad emotions. She never wanted to deal with them. Instead she learned to distract, to divert. She never wanted to deal with the drama. I get it, it's annoying and—most of the time—it's a waste of time.

Sometimes though I just wish she'd be sad with me. I didn't want to be overwhelmed with positive thoughts. Sometimes I just wanted to be sad. I wanted to cry. I wanted to ache. I wanted to feel what was real. I didn't want fake rose colored glasses. I didn't want the glass half full. Sometimes I wished she's just be there to hold me, let me cry, and maybe even cry with me.

She didn't even cry with me when my brother passed. She tried every possible tactic to make me forget the sadness, the pain, wreaking havoc though my life. I didn't want to forget. I wanted to cry until there were no more possible tears willing and able to leave. She didn't get it and she didn't understand.

She wanted to make me happy. But I didn't want to be happy.

The situations are similar. Though now, I did want to be happy. I just knew the place I wanted to get my happiness from didn't exist, it wouldn't exist. Once that realization hit a few days ago that I was hopelessly making a fool out of myself. A sadness swept over me that I've been trying to contain on my own.

It wasn't fair to Summer that I was being so cold to her. I haven't showed my sadness. But I haven't showed it because she wouldn't be there. That, and I simply just can't tell her. I can't confess what I feel. It's how all this pain started in the first place. Summer had gotten dibs. I hadn't. Sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles.

As much as this may come off as jealousy, I have to admit, that most of the time, if not all the time, Summer never struggles like this. Her cookie never has to crumble. Because Summer gets, what Summer wants.

══✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°╞══✿══

just dropping in to say a massive thank you for the support on this so far.

in honor of all the love and support, along with being my birthday (not yet in the us but almost, its close enough) i figured if today i will be spoiled, so will you.

hope you all have a great, day or night. and i hope you enjoy.