Voodoo [H.S.]

Twenty Two

"Cassie? Yeah she's great, you know what I think of her?" He says the last part like it's a question, unsure of why I'm bringing this up.

Relationships have never really been my thing per se. I know Zayn is curious as to why I haven't gone out with him in a while, seeing as I'm always eager to bring someone home for a quick good time. Lately every time I've gone out, all I do is compare every person who has even the slightest bit of potential to Cassie.

Eyes aren't the right shade of blue.

Eyes aren't the right shade of brown.

Too quiet.

Too loud.

That girl was rude to the bartender, Cassie would never.

This girl is obviously coke head, Cassie isn't like that.

Boring hair.

The list goes on.

I've been ruined for anyone in the future at this point.

Zayn is my brother. I want him to know what's going on in my life. This conversation just feels... awkward for some reason.

"Well, we're talking again," I respond simply without looking up from my work.

"And I'm supposed to be surprised...?" I can almost hear Zayn roll his eyes from across the way and I flip him off. "How did that happen?"

"Just... I missed her. I don't know." My cheeks turn red at the admission and I hear Zayn jump down from the bench. When I look up he's giving me a knowing look, which only adds to my embarrassment.

"Listen," Zayn marches over to stand directly in front of me. "I'm going to give it to you straight. Don't fuck this up this time. I see the way you look at her. I see the way she looks at you. I've never seen you so... gooey over someone before. Cassie is a good person. Make sure you're going to follow through before you start anything, don't hurt her. Just remember that you deserve to be loved, H."

A lump forms in my throat at Zayn's speech, but I force it down. He knows me too well, unfortunately. He knows how and what I think. That someone like me doesn't get to have a love story. There is no one out there that is going to be patient enough to stick with me while I navigate through my issues. I'm just too fucked up.

But like Cassie said, that's for her to decide, not me. I know Cassie will know when she's had enough. I'm going to do everything in my power to be the person she deserves, but I'm not confident that I'll be able to do it.

"How do I do this Zayn?" I finally stop my work and push away from the desk, looking down at my hands. Zayn is really the only person I feel comfortable being so open with. I can tell him my fears, my wants, and my needs without worrying about judgement.

"You just... do. It will come naturally to you. Communicate with her, be honest. You'll get there, H. You're stressing way too much about this."

I know he's right. I am stressing way too much over this. Things have already started to get easier and come more natural for me than I ever thought they would.

I just have no idea what I'm doing. Everything about this is new territory for me. Not only in ensuring I'm good to Cassie, but knowing I'm going to have to face and address things about myself that I'm not sure I'm ready for. I'm willing to try though.

"She's just...," I pause. "Like, Zayn. She's amazing. I've never met anyone like her. I've never felt like this before. It makes me sick to my stomach," I make a face and roll my eyes and Zayn clicks at me in response with a stupid grin on his face.