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" This slope is treacherous
THIS DAYDREAM IS DANGEROUS"
―YI KNEW IT WAS FEAR THAT DROVE HER AWAY.
Preparations for Nikolai's departure took multiple days of planning to no exact extent, vehicles for the weather being prepped for use, proper clothing and letters sent out to noblemen and governors of which they would stay with during their trip. As Yi sat on her bed and stared at nothing in particular, she pondered.
Nothing had been completely specified yet, but she was certain that both Tolya and Tamar would leave with Nikolai. There was a good chance Zoya would be there too, but the real thing Yi wanted to know was whether or not she would go.
It wasn't a question for Nikolai, but more so one for herself.
Maybe she was afraid, and maybe that did make her weak in more ways than one. But she didn't have to be scared if she stayed away from the very thing that made her feel so.
It wasn't logical, simply putting a bandage over a bullet wound.
But what was one to do?
Her heart was a traitorous thing, and so was her mind. She wasn't so sure she could handle whatever it was between her and Nikolai, not with the demon leering over her, not with the possibility and reminders of the Darkling, not any of it.
Yi blew out a long exhale.
He had died, she knew.
And yet he still thrived within the walls of the only home she'd ever known.
But it wasn't her home anymore. She had lost it when she'd said goodbye on the docks, when she'd pulled her bags along and hauled herself onto that ship, when she'd watched Nikolai's face blur until he became a small dot on the horizon, until she couldn't see the glimmering arches of the Grand Palace anymore.
She would never find it, just as she hadn't when she'd felt Zoya's arms around her to welcome her back, because even then she knew she was on the outside of it all, watching a life from afar, a life that would've, could've, and should've been hers.
Yi stood up, walking into her vast closet. Since she had been a girl, she had adored gowns and jewelry, lace and silk and flowers and pearls. She had wanted to become the princess in those storybooks, and by no coincidence, that was exactly what she had done.
But at what price?
She'd lost Nikolai when she'd left and became Yizhi Kir-Taban again, and although it had been for the better, to ensure the two didn't drown in their own passion, it certainly didn't feel that way. She'd lost her friendships and now felt like a fraud in her own skin.
