Behind Closed Doors

16

I eventually managed to drag Antony up the stairs and into my room, letting him fall onto my bed. He rolls onto his back, rubbing his eyes. Then, he's staring up at the top of the bunk bed above him, and his mouth parts. I sit next to him, careful not to get too close.

"I hate that you kissed me." He mumbles quietly, and I swallow my nerves. My hands are in my lap and I watch as Antony slowly reaches out and picks up my ring finger before letting it drop. "I hate how it made me feel." He adds, and I finally let myself look at him. His dark, beautiful eyes and his messy hair and his tan, smooth skin and his full, soft lips.

"How did it make you feel?" I asked him, carefully. I didn't want to cross any boundaries with Antony, but right now, I don't think he has any boundaries.

"Like..." Antony shrugs his shoulders. "Like I couldn't breathe." He speaks softly, softer than I've ever heard him speak, and it ignites something in me that I didn't know was there. Seeing a softer side to him, the person that he is underneath all the aggression and the violence and the crimes, it opens my heart a little. "Like every part of me was on fire." He blinks.

Then, his head turns to the side and he looks at me, a small frown on his face. "I didn't want to push you away." He says, just as his fingers slowly thread through mine, and my mouth parts slightly in shock.

"But, you did." I tilt my head at him.

"I did." He whispers. "Because I'm scared." He admits, and I slowly nod my head, using my spare hand to move a strand of his hair out of his eyes. I notice the way his breathing changes and he blinks multiple times, like he's trying to screenshot this moment and seal it into his brain.

"It's okay to be scared." I told him. I'm scared, too. "You didn't do anything wrong. We didn't do anything wrong." I added. Antony swallows, slowly nodding his head.

"It feels wrong." He says, and he carefully lifts himself up on his elbow, getting closer to me. My back straightens. The sudden urge to lean down and kiss the shit out of him was there, but I knew I couldn't. It was digging us further into the hole and already, we were taking it too far by holding hands and touching each other. I wanted to move back. I tried to force my body to step away from him, but the pull was too strong.

My eyes flicker down to his lips, and I slowly shake my head. I know Antony feels it too, the weird tension between us. The need to get it out of our systems and finally let go. His head lifts slightly, and my breath shakes as I scooch closer to him. Antony lifts his hand to cup my cheek, and the coldness of his fingertips makes me flinch slightly. His gaze flickers between my eyes and then down my nose before they rest on my lips.

I think I stop breathing as Antony's fingers run across the top of my hand and up my arm, resting on my elbow. He's pulling me forward and my mind is full of fog and I'm soaring through the clouds as he kisses me. Antony kisses me desperately. He kisses me like it's our last. He kisses me like he's been deprived and starving his whole life. I can't even breathe. I can't think clearly. I can't function.

All I can do is sit there as Antony's lips smash against mine and he cups the back of my head. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow. I lean forward and Antony moves back, his mouth parted, almost like he's shocked himself, and his eyes wide in fear. Then, I cup his face and I kiss him. A soft kiss. Two soft kisses. Three kisses. It was filled with an intimacy that words couldn't describe, with a feeling that neither of us could grip onto or explain, with an intensity that could be cut with a knife.

It felt so real that I didn't want to let go. I didn't want it to end or be thrown back in my face. I didn't want it to feel as wrong as it was. I wanted it to be freeing. To help us both escape the shackles of this damned place we lived in. To show that we both belonged right here, in this moment. With each other.

But, I pulled away before anything else could happen. Antony looks at me so deeply, that it takes everything in me not to pull him back in. "You're drunk." I say quietly, and Antony sighs, dropping himself back onto my bed, covering his eyes with his palm. "You should get some sleep." I sighed, pulling my duvet over his body. I try to get up, but his voice pulls me back in.

"Are you not gonna sleep?" He mumbled, turning to his side to face me. I look down at him, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Yeah, but I'm gonna sleep on the floor."

"You don't have to." He mutters, his eyes slowly wavering to a close. I sighed and got to my feet. Just as I was about to walk away, I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist. "Theo." He says my name so softly, that it stops me in my tracks. I've never heard him say it before, and it blows me away. His voice is so quiet and so broken and so hurt. "Stay." He adds, and I give in. I needed to walk away, and I know I should have. But, the part of me that wanted and needed this crawled into bed with him. I let him wrap his arm around my waist and rest his cheek on my back and smell my hair as he fell asleep.