Life is but a Dream {ChenJi} | ongoing

ten

Chenle helps Johnny put the groceries away, piling vegetables into the fridge, noodles into the cupboards, biscuits into the tin that Jaemin sneaks into his room at least twice a week. He considers slipping a few into his pocket but shoves the lid on before he can give the idea a second thought. After months of eating biscuits for therapy homework, he wants to never eat a biscuit again. Not even the chocolate ones with a dab of cream in the middle. Never.

The slow narration of whatever Jisung's watching on the television trickles into the kitchen as though fed to him by the walls to lure him into the living room, and Chenle is curious. The image of Jisung's face is blurred in his mind no matter how hard he tries to smear away the fog, but then Johnny is talking and Chenle refocuses his vision to stare at the breadsticks he's being offered.

"Thanks," Chenle says, sitting down.

They're the breadsticks that come with a little compartment of soft cheese, perfect for dunking as demonstrated in the adverts. Chenle pretends the cheese doesn't exist and just eats the breadsticks dry. They stick to his tongue and won't go down, so he takes Johnny's offer of some apple juice, which is cold enough to make his teeth twinge with discomfort. It tastes nothing like the apples from the tree in the garden. Chenle expects the taste of marzipan to follow. He's almost disappointed when it never comes.

Johnny brings his laptop and types away while Chenle eats. Between the strange buzzing that's always present in the kitchen, the crunch of breadsticks, keyboard clicks and muffled television, the room is noisy enough for Chenle's heart to beat funny, and he falters on the final mouthful. Johnny smiles, leaning back to run his hands through his overgrown black hair, and Chenle finishes his snack without having to be told. Johnny kisses the top of his head and murmurs that he's doing well.

"Give me your blazer. I'll look up how to get the paint off. I think we've still got some of your brothers' old ones you could use for a few days while we sort it out."

He hands the jacket over and feels oddly bare as he walks upstairs. He changes into the same blue jumper as the day before. He sits on the end of his bed for a while, staring through the wall with his arms hugged around his torso and toes curled in his fluffy hello kitty socks. Taking a deep breath, he feels trapped. Stuck, unable to move. The darkness evades his chest, creeping in from every corner like trailing fingers that slowly squeeze his lungs tighter and tighter. He gasps and stands up, marches out his room and back downstairs to fetch a glass of water.

"Alright, Lele?" Johnny asks. His thick-rimmed glasses are now seated on his nose.

Chenle huffs. "Just thirsty. Can I stay off school the whole day?"

Johnny watches Chenle fill a glass of water from the fridge then press the button to add ice. Chenle crunches the ice, frustrated.

"I'll email the school. Don't worry." Leaning back, Johnny crosses his arms over his chest. "Do you still have that card they gave you? To get a break from class?"

"Yes," Chenle says, teeth gritted. He startles himself with the gruffness of his voice, then sighs and sips his water, deflating.

"Good," Johnny says. He rubs his eye under his glasses as though giving up and Chenle holds his breath, but Johnny never explodes in anger like he fears he might. "Maybe try to use it next time?"

Chenle nods, Johnny nods back, then Chenle leaves the kitchen. In the hallway, he can hear the television clearly as he pauses in the doorway. He sips his water again, and shuffles to look round the door. The living room is spacious with a large window overlooking the driveway, bookshelves spanning another wall – mostly occupied by Mark's collection that long overflowed from his room – and the glass-topped coffee table is piled high with Taeyong's fashion magazines and a jigsaw no one has ever completed. The shelving unit under the television is brimming with DVDs of every kind. The windowsill is full of photo frames: some of just Johnny and Taeyong through the years, then plenty from Christmas's and birthdays as their family grew. The latest photo is from Renjun's birthday when they had a picnic in the garden. If Jisung becomes a permanent addition, Chenle wonders how Taeyong could ever find space for a photo of him, then crunches another cube as he scolds himself for being so cruel.

Jisung, whose head is just visible over the top of the sofa, turns around in surprise. His eyes are wide as though he's been caught doing something he shouldn't be doing, and when he sees it's only Chenle he doesn't seem relieved, only closes his mouth and tenses his shoulders, slowly sinking back down without taking his eyes off the boy.

"Hi," Chenle says. He walks round the sofa and sits down. He doesn't tell Jisung he's sat in Jaemin's space, nor does he mention that they even have silently designated spaces. "What are you watching?"

It's a genuine question, but Jisung curls away from him and doesn't answer. Brian Cox, the presenter of the documentary, is stood beside a model of the solar system, each planet a ball of a different colour, connected by wires and glowing in the dim room. He explains something about light years, then the camera pans to a projection of the galaxy on the wall. His voice is soft, a gentle northern melody that itches with fascination.

"A documentary," Jisung says. He twists his fingers together and, when he looks down at his lap, his overgrown bangs fall over his eyes. But Chenle can still detect the shifting of his gaze in his direction.

"Yes, I can see that. But what's it about?"

"Stars," Jisung says.

"Stars." Chenle looks at the television and swirls his glass so the ice tinkles in a dissonant melody over the dreamy music that plays for the montage of telescope images. "Do you ever wish you could leave this solar system and go to another? This one kind of sucks."

Jisung lifts his head and opens his mouth like a fish. He looks behind him but it's only Johnny moving back to the office. He turns back to Chenle. Confusion looks cute on him, since it crinkles his nose and gently furrows his brow, and he licks his lips while he decides what to say.

"But they're so far away." His voice is unsure and cracks with the uncertainty of a half-formed teenager.

"That's the point," Chenle replies with a scoff. He crunches on the final ice cube, and Jisung winces.

"Aren't you meant to be in school?"

Chenle pouts. "Yes. But that's none of your business." Jisung recoils, and Chenle feels a little bad but doesn't apologise. The feeling just lingers in the emptiness of his chest for him to mull over later when the opportunity has gone.

They watch the documentary in silence. The air prickles Chenle's skin. He catches Jisung's eye for a second and they both look back to the television, and a lump forms in Chenle's throat. He doesn't understand the documentary but Jisung lets out a little gasp of wonder, when they show off a fancy telescope to capture images of a distant galaxy, so Chenle tries to pay attention. Besides stuff he has to learn for school, he rarely researches anything new. He misses the curiosity he had as a kid. He remembers tugging on Johnny's sleeve at the park to show him each flower in the grass, each bird in the trees, and asking what it is, why different birds sing different songs and why different flowers are different colours. He loved trying new foods. He'd eat anything put on his plate.

Chenle wonders where that child went. What happened to him, where he is now and how he can find him.

"I think I would like to try living in another solar system," Jisung says after however many minutes.

Chenle places his empty glass down on the table and sits with his legs swung to the side, and twists to face Jisung. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

For the first time since Jisung arrived in their home, he smiles. It's nervous and half-formed, but it's there. Chenle smiles back, and asks Jisung to tell him about his favourite constellations.

✧˖° 🍦 🫧 ❀

So first week back at uni was rough but it's all so interesting so I can't complain too much... I'm just glad to finally catch a free weekend ^^ hope you enjoyed the update!