Finding Myself || Complete

Chapter 49: Letter to him.

The others come and we greet each other and they sit down. Ma dishes up for us and we thank her and start eating. "I'm really sorry guys for last night. I should have not let your dad enter our home." says mom. "Sperm door we don't have a dad." says Musa. "It's okay mama." says Mandisa. Mandisa is just like mom very forgiving and it irks me sometimes cause not everyone deserves forgiveness for their transgressions.

"Fine." says Phiwokwakhe. We continue eating in silence and their transport bell hoots and they take their bags and leave. I finish eating and put my bowl in the sink. I take my bags and leave. I hail a taxi and it drops me off at school. I get out and walk inside. I find Ayesha waiting by the staircase near the tuckshop and i walk to her and sit down.

"Uright?" I ask. Silence. "Ayesha I'm talking to you." "What?" she asks. "Uright na?" "Yeah I'm fine." "Aren't you going to ask how I am." "Unjani?" "I'm fine." She doesn't seem like she's in a good mood so I will give her space and whenever she's ready to talk I'll be there for her. Anyways I'm not in a good mood too. I enterwine her hand with mines and massage her knuckles just to let her know she's not alone.

£

We walk to the our area and sit down and start eating. She still is quiet and i want to ask her what's going on cause this silence between us is killing me. "Baby.." I say. "What Phiwo?" she asks and I'm a bit taken aback by her tone and choice of words. "Yekela." (Leave it.) If she's this snappy I won't bother. Next thing you know she will hit me and i don't want that. I don't need a repeat of the past.

I feel her warm hands massage mines and she kisses my cheek. "I'm sorry." she says. "Don't apologize. You will talk to me when you are ready." I say and she sighs. "Look at me." I shake my head no. "Please." "No." She grabs my chin gently and forces me to look at her. She pecks my lips multiple times. "Forgive me." "I said don't apologize."

"I'll tell you about it when I'm ready okay." she says and i nod. "As long as you not ending things with me or its about your psychotic ex I think it can wait till you ready." I say and she chuckles. "Don't worry its neither of the above." I nod and she pulls me in for a kiss. "I love you." "I love you too."

I rest my head on her shoulder and she drapes her arm around my shoulder. "Unjani?" she asks. "I'm fine don't worry about me." I answer. "Are you sure?" "I'm positive." I guess today we are both not in a space to talk about our true thoughts. "You going to therapy tomorrow?" "Yes I am. You will have to chill with the others." "No problem."

"I love you okay." she says. "I love you too. Why are you saying it like you ending things?" I ask. "I'm not ending things don't worry. Everything between us is good and i would never leave you alone for as long as i am alive and remember you." I nod. She pecks my forehead multiple times and i giggle.

£

I stare at the page that only has the time I'm writing this letter and the day. I just don't know where to start and what to say. I need some inspiration of some sort.

Flashback.

"Why are you and your siblings so useless? You never do anything right. I ask for A you give me C. Follow simple tasks that's all I'm asking you mara still uyahluleka. Angeke ngimangale menihlulwa izinto empilweni mesenibadala." dad clicks his tongue and walks off. (I won't be surprised if you fail in life when you are older.) I wipe away the tears that escaped and climb my bed and cover myself with the blanket. Those words are being repeated in my mind and i just want to scream and tell it to stop. His right i will never be successful in life.

End of flashback.

There is the inspiration i needed to start writing. One thing about me is that once I start writing I don't stop but with expressing feelings it's a bit of an issue but we shall see if we can do it today.

July 2023
16:33
Tuesday.

Dear dad (Sperm donor)

Why did you never love us? What have we ever done to you that made you hate us the way you did? They always say that a daughter's first love is their dad but you are not. You are my worst enemy to ever exist after your best friend. Xolani was right when he said you the same and the only difference between you two is that he never beat me up and you never sexually harassed me.

You made me hate myself for the longest time. I questioned my self worth and self esteem because of you and your stupid lies. I don't know when I realised that I should stop believing every word that comes out of your mouth but I'm glad I did because I almost destroyed myself because of you. What kind of a father are you that calls his daughter worthless? Calls her promiscuous and that I was trying to seduce your best friend.

Even though you believed me when I told you he molested me i believe you were just faking it because...I don't know why but I never believed you were being genuine. I wouldn't be surprised if that fight was staged to try and impress me. I hate you dad! I hate you and everything you've done to me. I have anger issues because of you. I hit people because of you.

Do you know what you've done to me and how much you have fucked up my mental health? No you don't. Even after you made promises to change you didn't. It's true when they say a leopard never changes it's spots. You are evil kahle kahle you and your best friend are evil and i understand why you are best friends. I hate you! I hate you!!! I can't stop saying these words because that's how I feel about you.

I hope you die in hell and burn. I hope karma is a bitch and it bites you so hard to the point where you want to commit suicide. You are one of the most horrible person's I have ever met in my life. Fuck you baba! FUCK YOU BASTARD! I HATE YOU!

Even if I say a lot it won't change anything and it won't erase the pain. The only last words I want to say is that you are dead to me and i curse the day you became my dad.

I put the pen down and stretch my fingers a bit. I have finally expressed my feelings on a paper and i must say it feels good to be able to do it. Maybe one day I can turn it into a poem. It's been a while since I've written one anyways...