I Still Love You

Chapter 3 - Belly

Belly

Belly's hands trembled as she picked the envelope up. Did Conrad leave this for her? How and why did he have a letter for her from Susannah? Did she give it to him to give to her? If so, why did he wait this long? "It's not from Conrad." Belly whipped around to find her mother, in a robe Susannah had given her for the last birthday she was there for. "I mean the necklace is. The letter is from Susannah, she told me to give it to you the night before your wedding."

"And the necklace? I mean how-" She cleared her throat. "How did you get the necklace?" The last time she saw the necklace, Conrad had taken it from her. She'd almost felt like he'd snatched it right off of her neck.

"He left it on my desk along with this note." She handed Belly a post it note, matching Susannah's envelope.

I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I just couldn't. I couldn't sit there and watch her walk down the aisle and marry him. Especially after what I said to you on the beach.

I can't keep it anymore. It's hers, Laur. It was always hers. Give it to her and tell her she can do whatever she wants with it. Keep it, throw it, burn it, it doesn't matter. I just can't keep it.

And tell her...god tell her that I'm happy for her. I'm happy for her and for Jere and I hope they enjoy everything life gives them.

-Conrad

Belly looked up at her mother, her hands trembling as the post-it slipped from her fingers. "What does this mean? Mom? What does he mean?! What did he say to you on the beach?" She was sobbing, clutching the necklace and envelope to her chest. She felt like the world was being ripped out from under her.

I couldn't sit there and watch her walk down the aisle. What did he mean? It was always hers. No. No, that night in that stupid motel room he told her it wasn't hers. He told her it wasn't hers because he'd never given it to her.

Her knees felt weak and her head was spinning. She fell onto the lounger clutching her chest and struggling to breath. Laurel rushed to her side and took her into her arms. "Belly. I-"

"What did he mean mom? What did he mean when he said he couldn't sit there and watch me walk down the aisle? What did he say to you on the beach?" Laurel looked at her knowingly. Of course she wasn't going to tell Belly. Of course she was going to keep Conrad's secrets.

"Mom! Please. I...I need to know. I don't care what promise you made to him!" She sobbed. "I need to know if everything I wanted was right in front of me and I just didn't see it. I need to know if...if he loved me all along and I was just too scared to see it. I...I need to know Mommy." She choked the words out.

"You know I love you more than anything Bean. Even though you probably don't believe it." Laurel laughed. "But what Connie said to me, that was between me and him. And if he wanted you to know, he would have told you himself. All I know is he wanted you to have the necklace because it's yours. Like he said. It was always yours. What you do with it and what he wrote, that's up to you. But just know that no matter what you do, I'll always love you."

Belly continued to sob in Laurel's arms. She wasn't sure what she was crying for. Was it the fact that Conrad may have loved her this whole time? Or was it the fact that she was getting married to someone she didn't fully love? Or was it that fact that she was going to lose both Fisher boys tomorrow, because of what she was going to do?

She'd gotten her sign. It came in the form of the note Conrad had written to her mom, but most importantly, it came in the form of the infinity necklace. He'd kept it all these years. He'd kept it in the hope that one day he would be able to give it back to her.

"Mom?" She had finally stopped crying and was now wiping her tears and snot with her robe. "Do you think Susannah would ever forgive me?"

"What do you mean Bean? Why would she need to forgive you? What did you do wrong?" Laurel's heart broke at the sight of her daughter. She'd never seen her this broken and she felt useless as a mother for not being able to fix it.

"I broke them. I broke them both. I broke them apart at a time when they needed each other the most. They were Susannah's boys and now...now they're barely speaking to each other. They walk on eggshells around each other. I mean it's Jere's wedding and Conrad couldn't even stay for it!"

"That's not your fault Bean. You didn't break them apart."

"I did mom! I was so angry at Conrad for prom and then for telling me that he didn't want me anymore and that our relationship was a mistake that I just jumped into things with Jere. I didn't even stop to think about what I was actually feeling or what either of them was feeling. I wasn't in love with Jere. I loved him, but not." She drew in a breath.

"Not the way I loved...love Conrad. If I didn't get into a relationship with Jere and then go on to get engaged with him..." Belly's words turned into sniffles as she brought her knees up to her chest.

"You didn't break them. Their grief did. They both dealt with Beck's cancer and death differently. Jeremiah let everything out and reacted while Connie kept it all in and shut down. And when Jeremiah didn't understand Conrad's way of dealing he did the only thing he knew to do, he fought with him. He was trying to get a reaction out of Connie. Deep down he loves Conrad just as much as Conrad loves him, if not more."

No matter what Laurel said, Belly wasn't in the headspace to listen or understand. She just shook her head no and gripped onto her knees as she rocked herself back and forth. "Isabel." Laurel touched Belly's cheek that was now stained with her mascara. "You need to do what's best for you. Not for Conrad or Jeremiah or anyone else. You need to make a decision for yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You can't make everyone happy. Someone will always be disappointed with what you do, but that's not in your control. Do what makes you happy."

"I don't-" She wiped her face as best as she could and stood up.

"I don't know what to do Mom. My heart's telling me one thing and my mind is saying something else. I...please mom, tell me what to do." She turned to look at Laurel, hopeful that her mom would know exactly how to get out of this situation. Laurel always had the solution, no matter how big the problem was.

"I can't do that Bean. This is your life, your heart. I can't know what you actually want anymore than you do. The most I can do is guide you. Listen to your heart. Your heart is unbiased, it doesn't care about anything else but your happiness. And if that still doesn't help-" Laurel got up and stood next to her daughter.

"Read the letter. Maybe Beck can help." She looked at the envelope that was crushed in Belly's hand and then drew Belly in for a hug before walking back into the house.

"Don't stay up too late Isabel. Tomorrow's a big day for you."