I Still Love You

Chapter 1 - Conrad

Conrad was sitting at the beach, watching the waves crash into the shore with a beer in hand. He was 9 beers in and still felt nothing. It was like someone had ripped his heart out and left a hole in place of it. Nothing he did made him feel anything but numb. He had become what everyone had already thought he was. Cold hearted.

That was how Laurel had found him a few minutes later. She knew how hard this was for him, watching Belly marry Jeremiah. She also knew that Conrad would never do anything to jeopardize Jeremiah's happiness; because of his promise to Susannah; even if it meant hurting himself. So when she sat down on the warm sand next to him, what she didn't expect was for him to look at her with a smile on his face.

"Hi Laure." He drew in his breath. It wasn't her Connie that she was looking at. The boy that sat beside her was a shell. A shell of the loving, sensitive and pure boy she once knew.

"Connie." She breathed out. After Susannah, Laurel was the only one who called him that. The only one he allowed to call him that. He had always said Laurel was the father he never had and after Susannah's death she became his mother as well.

"Yes Laure" he slightly slurred. That was when she noticed the beer cans piling up beside him. There were 9, crushed up and in pieces.

"I think you've had enough for today" she said while trying to grab the can that was in his hand. He tried to stop her but with the amount of alcohol he had in him he was slower than she was. She took the can, emptied it and crushed it up before adding it to the pile that was accumulating next to him. He went to grab another can out of the pack he had brought with him but she swatted his hand and placed the pack on the other side of her, far from his reach.

"Hey! That's mine!" She looked at him, eyes welling up and grabbed onto his hand.

"Let it out Conrad. Scream, cry, curse, do whatever. Just let it out." He tried to pull away from her but she held on tightly. She knew the pain he was feeling, more so than anyone else. And while Belly was her own daughter, she couldn't help but despise her a little bit for causing Conrad so much pain. To Laurel, Conrad was her first child. Conrad made her a mother in ways beyond giving birth to him. He loved her unconditionally, which made it even harder to watch him hurt like this. She pulled him closer and held him tight.

He pushed away from her at first, desperate to get out of her hold but eventually he stopped fighting and his body went limp. It was quiet for a few minutes, the only sounds coming from the waves crashing into the shore and Conrad's heavy breathing. After what felt like eternity he spoke. Only this time he didn't slur or sound even remotely drunk. "I can't feel anything Laure. You know how sometimes when something hurts so much after a point you just start feeling numb. It feels like there's nothing inside. Nothing left."

He had his head on her shoulder now and they were both looking at the ocean, watching it come and go. "When Jere announced it that night, I thought there was no way they would actually go through with it. I mean they're both so hot headed. They make decisions in a matter of minutes without thinking about what's next. And when you and dad said you weren't on board I knew there was no way it was going to happen."

His voice broke as he spoke. "But then she came to Cousins after fighting with you and I realized how real it is. They aren't doing this on a whim. She actually wants to marry him." Laurel stroked his hair just as Susannah had done every time he had hurt himself surfing or playing football. It was a familiar feeling, a feeling that made him feel like Susannah was there with him. It was all it took for his walls to come crashing down.

"Connie, can I ask you something? And please be honest with me." He nodded. She wanted him to let everything out. She wanted him to stop hiding behind the promise he made to his mother on her deathbed. She wanted him to know that he didn't have to carry his pain to make sure his brother was happy. "Do you still love her?"