Withered Roses

Kabanata 2

"A-ayos lang," she whispered. "Ano'ng nangyari? Nanaginip ka ulit? Sorry, kakauwi ko lang galing sa mga anak ko. Ano'ng nangyari?"

I shook my head and cried more, my fingers clutching her shirt.

"I-it was them again..." I whispered. "T-those men... They took me away from my parents... T-they..."

"Shhh..." she hushed and assisted me towards the end of the bed. "Hinga ka. Inhale, exhale."

I followed, controlling my breathing. I was hyperventilating again. I won't stop shaking.

"Sandali, kukunan kita ng tubig." I hesitantly let her go as she stood to take the pitcher beside my bed, refilling the glass before extending it to me.

Inabot ko iyon at dere-deretsong ininom, nanginginig pa rin ang palad.

"Tawagan ko ba si Dra.?"

"N-no," I shook my head. "P-please, no. I'm not crazy."

"Hindi ka baliw, Zahrah." Inabot ni Yaya ang palad ko. "May trauma ka, hindi baliw."

I shook my head.

"I-I have these dreams that didn't happen, Yaya. The doctor said it could be a part of a fantasy I'm putting inside my head. Hindi lahat ng napapanaginipan ko ay nawalang alaala. Who knows if I'm fucked in the head?"

Her eyes softened, obviously feeling bad about my situation.

"H'wag mong sabihin 'yan." Pinisil niya ang palad ko. "Hindi ka ganyan, okay? Tatawagan ko si Dra. bukas para sa session mo. Sinasabi mo ba sa kanya ang tungkol sa mga napapanaginipan mo?"

I nodded.

"I don't think therapy's helping," I answered. "It's not like those dreams I'm having are disappearing. Mas lumalala lang."

She sighed and caressed my hair.

"Tara, anak, doon muna tayo sa higaan mo. Tatabihan kita hanggang sa makatulog ka. Marami ka pang gagawin bukas, hindi ba?"

I closed my eyes and massaged my temple.

"I'm so tired, Yaya..." pagod kong bulong. "K-kailan ba ako magkakaroon ng magulang?"

"Magiging ayos din ang lahat." She soothed my hair. "Magdasal ka lang at magtiwala sa sarili mo. H'wag kang mag-isip ng negatibo at minsan, paniniwala naming mga matatanda ay nakakadala ito ng malas."

Easier said than done.

Kung possible nga lang na itakwil lahat ng negatibo sa utak sa isang isip ko lang ay matagal ko nang ginawa.

But our minds are powerful. Sometimes, they shield us from pain reasons why they blocked us out of traumatizing memories we couldn't face but sometimes, it's just in your damn head.

Kapag sinasabi mong 'di mo na iisipin ay saka mo mas maiisip lalo.

Tumango ako at sumunod na lang.

In this empty, large house? Tanging si Yaya lang ang nakakausap ko. Ang sinabi niya sa akin ay matagal na siyang nandito sa mansyon. She was my mother's yaya before she died.

Ang tanging kakampi ko lang sa bahay na 'to na punong-puno ng guards at mga taong malayo ang loob sa akin.

I tried to talk and get close to them, but they seemed so scared of me. Tila may nakakahawa akong sakit kung makaasta sila at lumalayo sa bawat lapit ko.

Kaya ang kasama ko lang, kung hindi ang mga libro ko ay si Yaya o 'di kaya'y si Cole na bumibisita minsan kapag napapadaan siya.

Cole was also an attorney. His father was handling my father's case, his defense counsel. Ang sabi nila ay naakusahan ang ama ko ng murder at trafficking ng droga.