Identity Disorder

Lips

Austin's POV

I had already texted and rung Alan 4 times but he still wasn't replying. I tried to shrug it off, assuming he was busy, but the feeling in my stomach told me that something was wrong. Typical, now I actually liked him and wanted to be with him, he was ignoring me.

My phone lit up, alerting me of a call, but it wasn't from the person I wanted it to be. It was Vic.
"Hey" I answered.
"Have you spoken to Alan today?" Vic asked in an uneasy tone.
"No he won't answer my calls. Why?"
"Becky read my messages. She knows about the dare, which means Alan probably will too"
My heart dropped to the bottom of the ocean.
"Oh" was all I could manage in reply.
"I'm sorry dude. Please don't tell the others that Becky and I broke up. I can't loose, I might be able to figure something out"
"I won't" I hung up and lowered myself onto my bed. My breathing became heavy and raspy. There's no way Alan would forgive me for this, but I wasn't going to give up that easy.

Knowing it was no use calling him, I grabbed my shoes and began to run to Alan's house. I reached the door and stopped for a moment to catch my breath. My stomach twisted with the thought that this could be the end of me and Alan forever. I inhaled deeply then knocked on the door.

The door opened and Alan's mom stood behind it.
"Hello" she smiled "Can I help you?"
"Can I talk to Alan. I'm his boyfriend" I said with a weak smile.
"Oh you must be Austin. I'll go get him" she said as she headed upstairs.

Alan walked downstairs a moment later, his face stained with tears.
"What do you want?" He said sternly.
"I want to apologise. I know it's not what you want to hear but I'm honestly so sorry" I begged.
"Sorry for what? Lying to me? Using me? Betraying me?"
"All of that and more. I hate myself for what I've done"
"Why did you do it then?" Alan folded his arms and frowned.
"Because I'm too pathetic to stick up for myself. I'm scared of the people I call my friends" I sighed, blinking back tears.
"Why are you even here? You obviously don't give a shit about me"
"But I do, Alan. It started off as a dare but I really do like you now. How could I not develop feelings for such a sweet and loving person?"
"You're not going to win me back with compliments. I'm not that easy"
"Please give me another chance. I'll prove how much I-I"
"You what?"
"I love you" I whispered as a single tear landed on my cheek. The door slammed into my face, forcing me backwards. I fell onto the concrete, gripping my bloody nose.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and sobbed into them. Luckily, my jeans were black so the blood didn't stain. I rocked myself slowly, digging my nails into my thighs.

Why are you such a fuck up?
You finally have a decent person in your life and you go and mess it up.
Have you ever done anything well in your life?
Who are you even sticking around for?
You might as well give up.

I hated the voices but I knew they were right. I pulled myself up of the pavement and dragged my empty body home. I slammed the bathroom door and made sure it was locked. Glaring at my tear stained face in the mirror, I removed the lid off a pill bottle from the cupboard. I quickly swallowed the contents of the bottle along with some water.

Fuck this. Fuck life. Fuck Me. Fuck not being able to do anything right. In a few minutes I wouldn't have to deal with my uselessness and failure. I could finally escape this hell and no one would care. They'd soon get over it.

I smashed the razor on the sink, freeing the blades. I slowly dragged the metal vertically down my forearm, savouring the moment that would free me of the chains I had worn my whole life. Red liquid dripped down my arm and into the sink, making pretty patterns as it swirled around the porcelain bowl. My vision began to blur and all the bad thoughts drained from my head.

My knees gave way beneath me, causing me to fall to the ground. Dots of light swam calmly across my vision.
A small smile of victory crept onto my face as I felt myself slip away. My mind pictured something of a soft pink colour. The image focused in my head, revealing a pair of lips. Alan's lips.