Darkness inside

1: Here we go again

I always thought that I was out. I was out of the darkness, I was having fun at life recently talking freely with the people I care the most and giving out love or life advices that could help the people, I was having fun.

But that was all in my head.

I remember telling my closest friend that I'm finally out of that dark stage, the dark stage where I would sit in the corner of the classroom and just observe nothingness but my mind was repeating sentences and questions that I couldn't process properly. But turns out I was just playing with my mind, telling myself that I'm okay and I'm out of that stage and I could be happy again.

But once again I felt the emptiness that swallowed me that made the worst version of myself.

Being in the dark is fun not until you hurt yourself again with the words that convince you that you are worthless or you do actions that could end up taking your life.

I really don't know why these things kept happening to me or what are the causes or why am I the one feeling this dark emptiness.

These happenings made me drift apart from God where I would question him whether why am I created or what is my purpose. I blame him to all the bad happenings that happened to me. I cringe when I hear the word "God" or "God saved us all" like why would they believe that when God couldn't even save me from my miserable life. You could say that I despise God and I blame him for everything.

Then I realized that no can ever save me from that darkness I buried myself into.

I remember that I just stopped talking to people and I even send them a message saying, " Hii so I'll be gone for a week or so cause I realize that I want out of the darkness like I told you, and I want to fix myself at the moment, but don't worry I will be back I promise, I just need to fix me and become a better me." But to myself, I don't know either if I'm gonna be back to my old happy self or if I will create a new version of me. After I sent that message I deactivated all my socials cause I hate seeing people happy cause it's making me jealous.

I wish I could feel the happiness that they're feeling.

Maybe this is depression or something, I'm scared to let people know what I'm feeling, cause I'm scared to what they would think of me, I hate to see the pity in their eyes or the comfort that they will do to me when I'm sad or crying.

I just want to be alone with a mirror where I can see my suffering self crying over the life that I've ruined.

I've always liked looking at a mirror, where I can see the fake smile that I display everyday and make facial expressions that I always give to people whenever I'm outside, but after a long day I would find myself staring at the same mirror for minutes with a blank empty face, I would stare at my dead eyes for a moment then I would feel a tear escape my eye and that tear holds all the sadness and anger that I'm feeling inside.

They say crying is okay, but for me crying is showing people that you want them to pity you.

"Life is hard, but you can't give up" these are the exact words that I'd tell  people who are in the brink of giving up, but I can't even tell these very words to myself cause I know for a fact that nothing will be okay and nothing will make everything okay.

Life is like a movie where you find the suffering of a person entertaining.

I have my favorite people, the people where I can tell my problems or the people where I can be myself or the people where I can show my true feelings, but this voice inside my head kept reminding me that " they are only there for you cause they have no choice" or " You really don't matter to them, you are just a pain in their lives". I know that this is a cruel thought but I don't know how to stop these sentences in my head.

People needs a person who will be there to feel the pain that they are feeling, but once they're okay they leave the person who is now suffering from a different pain that they've caused.

So I tried the thing that I tell myself that I would never try in a million years, smoking, specifically vape with oil, one puff from the device would calm the many screaming, whispering, talking voices in my head, for me vaping is my only escape to stop the voices in my mind, the smoke that enters my lungs relaxes my tense nerves and gave me a great feeling, but it don't last, once the effect wear off the voices comes back again reminding me that I'm worthless and I am not needed, so once again I inhale the smoke and I know that it would make me high and that is my goal, to be high so that I can't hear the voices even for a mean time. 

They say that the mind is the greatest weapon, but for me my mind is like a gun waiting for me to pull the trigger and die.

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Hi I'm Nikki and I want you guys to come with me and read my depressing sad life.

I hope that I could be a inspiration to you guys cause I'm trying hard to take myself out of the darkness.

-🦊