The Sympathy Screw | 18+

Chapter 30 - Things I Never Got

There, in the middle of the energy drinks in the bin, was a small box with a shipping label addressed to me. I recognized the box. I had placed it there myself, two days after I found out about Andrew's cancer. It was the coffee mug I had ordered for Andrew for his birthday.

I sat the bin down on the floor and opened the box, looking at the mug for the first time since I brought it home, knowing already that I regretted the purchase but it was non-refundable because it had been personalized. There, on the face of the mug, were the words written there: "To my husband. I wish I could turn back the clock. I'd find you sooner and love you longer," in the middle of the words there, there were two wedding bands with Andrew written on one and Violet on the other, "I may not be your first date, your first kiss, or your first love, but I just want to be your last everything. I love you. Forever and always."

My heart hurt so much in that moment. I sat on the basement floor, because my legs lacked the power to stand. I began to weep. The worst wretched sobbing sounds rose up from me as I struggled to gulp in air. I did wish, with all my heart, that I could turn back the clock. And I was his last everything.

With a startled ache in my chest, I realized I would love him forever and always. Nothing could take away this pain. It would always hurt because he could never return to me.

I didn't get a chance to give him the mug. I would never get a chance to give it to him. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to him the way I really wanted to.

Despite the vain hope that you'd get to be together forever with the person you love, unless you were in that rare circumstance where you died simultaneously, loving someone would almost always forever mean one of you would suffer when the other person was no longer a part of your life. It's a given. A horrible truth. Whether by unforeseen circumstances or choice, it would end and one of you would feel pain. And I was the one to hurt now.

My thoughts began to spiral. There would never be another date with Andrew. There would never be another kiss with him. There would never be another, "I love you, Vi."

How did I not see the signs he was getting sick? He had thinned out a little, even before he told me he was sick. I knew he had lost weight, but I just chalked it up to a new fitness regimen and diet. Andrew's six-pack was magnificent and he had gotten even more cut.

I was stupid.

Why didn't I encourage him to go to the doctor sooner? Maybe if he hadn't waited so long, he would have been treatable.

What if he hadn't hidden his illness from me? Would I have had more time to be affectionate with him? More time to tell him I loved him? More time to say goodbye?

Could we have gotten him better treatment if we had gone to the doctor together when he found out? Would he have lived?

My phone began to ring, pulling me out of my reverie. One of the last things Andrew did before he died was set me up with a new cell phone plan with better coverage, so I took a moment to chuckle that I had reception in the basement before answering. The caller ID showed it was Iris. She never called unless it was important.

"Hello?" I answered through my sniffles.

"Hey, Vi, I just called to see if everything was okay. You doing alright?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied, then after pausing, said, "No," then after thinking a bit more, asked, "Why?"

"You're going to think this is nuts, but Marie Jordan-Jackson – you know, the accountant we saw – left me a voicemail in the middle of the night telling me you might need me this morning. It didn't make any sense, but it seemed like I should call."

I pulled my phone away from my face and glanced at it, puzzled. As I looked, I noticed Sam's reply text.

I put the phone back up to my ear. "Iris, can you give me a minute? I need to check on something. I'll call you right back."

"Sure."

I said goodbye, hung up, and clicked into Sam's text. Sure enough:

Sam: Some lady from Maine called and told me you'd need me.

I didn't know who she was or how she got this number, either.
Strangest thing. But something made me think I should listen.

Marie. She was from Maine. A chill ran up my spine. I texted Sam back.

Me: We go to the same gym, right?

You wanna work out together this morning?

Sam: Sure, I know it's not your thing,
but I really love the kickboxing stuff
Meet you by the speedbag?

Me: See you there in 30.

~:~

Author's Notes:

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How do you cope with loss in your life?