On My Doorstep [Editing]

Chapter 29

"Those two can fall asleep anywhere," Fawn chuckled as she went to pick up Ami.

"Which two," I asked.

Fawn tilted her head, "my mom and sister."

"I dunno," I shrugged, "kinda seems like Ami's gonna follow the family tradition."

"God, I hope not," Fawn sighed. She handed Ami to me, who was still dead-asleep, and went to wake the two women up.

They stirred when their legs and arms were shaken, and followed Fawn sleepily to the guest rooms. Once they were settled, we put Ami down in her crib and watched for a short while she slept. Fawn sat down beside the crib, her cheek rested against the wall of it. She stroked Ami's head and cheek with the back of her index finger, stopping when Ami shifted a bit. Fawn was humming something I didn't recognize, but it was a calming melody and I was sure Ami was enjoying it in her dreams.

I was about to leave so she could be alone with her thoughts, but Fawn spoke up suddenly.

"I thought that giving birth made it impossible to leave your child behind," she whispered.

It didn't sound like a question, but it also didn't seem like she just wanted me to stand there and say nothing. I waited for a while, unsure of what to do, until she turned to look at me.

"Why," I asked, because that was all I had while I thought of more to say.

Fawn stared at me for a few seconds, then looked back at Ami.

"That's what I always saw. The way my mom and aunties fought for us, the things I read in books and on TV. And I know it's more complicated than that, especially when mental health is taken into account, and the fact that too many women don't have a choice and have babies that they don't want. Still..."

"You don't understand how Brenda could leave Ami behind."

As soon as I said the words, Fawn looked back at me again, "yeah. Maybe... maybe she couldn't and that's why she's back. But- ...I've never given birth, so I don't know what it's like, but she's chosen that guy that literally left her over the baby that needed her."

I moved a desk chair to sit on the floor beside her, then placed a hand on her back. "I can only speak from my limited area of expertise-"

"As a whole paediatrician," she smirked.

"Yeah, well, a psych would know more. Anyway, I've seen parents do unbelievable, horrible things to their kids that they claim to love. I've seen kids get abandoned, go through the system... I have seen a lot of things, did what I could to help, and seriously considered never having kids at one point," I told her.

"Why?"

Fawn was watching me, her eyes seeming curious and concerned.

"Because I didn't know if I would be one of those parents that said all these things and made all these promises, but didn't know what they were really signing up for. Some of them did their best, but I think some people are just not meant to be parents."

She nodded, seeming to consider my words. We were both quiet for a while, but then she had more she wanted to know.

"And what do you think now," Fawn pressed the issue.

Though my actions definitely spoke for me, as well as some of my words, I understood why Fawn wanted to hear me say how much I wanted to be part of this family. Her life seemed to be crumbling right before her eyes as she tried to catch the crumbs between her fingers. The last thing she needed was for me to go next, or fail her in some way. And telling someone their baby is cool isn't necessarily a promise.