A Note to Him

The Panic

July 16, 2023

Your tournament was tonight. I mentioned how it wasn't really for me and that I might not go to another one. You were okay with it. You said that you didn't expect me to go again anyway and that you appreciate me coming in the first place. There was one thing I loved seeing though. I loved seeing you do well and do something that you enjoy. And even though you got 9th place, I'm still glad I got to see you play.

During all of this though, I got some unpleasant news that continued to unfold throughout the night. I started panicking. Catastrophizing the situation. You were supportive and kind and calm to my wreck of emotions. You always are, though, and I'm always grateful for it. Grateful for you. You make things better.

You said you love me. Not just that you think you do, but that you actually love me. Me. Me who has a polarizing personality. Who has anger issues and low self confidence and self-esteem. Who feels insecure and ugly. Who tends to hate the world and people. Who is an eternal pessimist and typically only sees the negative. Who has so many other flaws that there's almost too many to mention.

Usually, I inspire strong dislike (the good) to I'll-slaughter-your-entire-bloodline hate (the bad) in people. Only a very few people actually enjoy my personality and even fewer than that love me in spite of who I am. The Category 5 hurricane that was building inside me from the panic suddenly dropped to a Category 2 when you said those three words. That malicious banshee (my anxiety, see last entry) even stopped to lift her head in question, as if asking if you were serious. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Because of this, I'll paint you a picture of what exactly happened.

My chest started getting tight and I couldn't draw in a full breath. The thoughts in my head were rushing by at 180 mph and screaming bloody murder the whole time. My limbs felt like my bones had been ripped out and I was just a meat suit standing without support (that's a Supernatural reference. I'll get you to watch that show, all 15 seasons, soon). My eyes started burning from the tears that were fighting to fall. There's fight or flight, but for some reason my body chose freeze instead.

With all of this going on, everything paused the moment you said those words. It was surreal. The closest thing I can think of to describe it is like the first moments of dawn the morning after a really big snowfall. There's no people to be seen, the world is blanketed in white as far as the eye can see, sound is muted from the thick layer of snow. The world seemed like it was asleep. My panic seemed like it was asleep. You effectively stopped everything by saying three words.

I don't like crying. It shows weakness and vulnerability and a way to hurt you. I especially don't like crying in front of people for those exact same reasons. Yet those three words made me tear up. I clung to you like a lifeline because in that moment, you were my lifeline. And while I'm not quite ready to say those three words back to you, I know for a fact that one day I will love you. I'm just taking a bit longer than you. But make no mistake, I feel like I'm already on my way there.

These days, you're everything positive in the world. You're smart, hardworking, caring, compassionate, kind, funny, supportive, patient, sweet, understanding, and most of all good. You're one of the best people I know. You're special. And not in the sarcastic, condescending way. Truly special. All of that coming from someone who tends to hate or dislike 9 out of 10 people I meet.