The Beginning of the End (Newtmas)

Chapter 15

So... I actually managed to write Smut (kinda) XD after my friend constantly begged me and after I eventually said "Fuck it." I've never done this before though. Also, I didn't want it to be like "the perfect first time" or whatever. I want it to be somewhat realistic? And yea anyway you'll see what I mean and now I'm gonna go and hide. And this whole chapter isn't just them having sex though (although mostly it is), it's still an actual chapter too with other things... And this is legit the only reason for this story to be rated mature. XD and maybe the triggering parts as well. And I watched the Teen Wolf trailer and like ugh Thomas Brodie-Sangster needs to be a character that becomes Stiles' love interest just cause logic. And the song attached is the song that shall play when they yea. You'll know. When you get there you should play that song.

A week had passed, and Newt hadn't harmed himself since. The incident a week ago had gotten Thomas to take almost everything sharp he could find, away from Newt. Newt, of course, had freaked out, especially when the other got a hold of his scissors, but he ended up giving in and let Thomas take it all. Besides, he had a feeling of not wanting it anymore. As if doing it one time in front of Thomas, had his body and mind saying enough. He was exhausted to be living like this, so he ended up accepting Thomas' decision, even if it meant parting with his scissors that he'd owned for years now, and always kept close to him.

At the same time though, he constantly found himself not knowing what to do. Before, he would've gotten his scissors out, but now he didn't have that option, and in turn, he was bored. And he ended up smoking so much when he was bored that he was growing sick of that as well. Newt was strange in that sense, never becoming addicted to nicotine, even hating it after having consumed it so often in a day. So, his cigarettes were thrown out, and he made sure Thomas was there when it happened. He hated the look Thomas had given him, that look as if saying that he was proud of Newt. He didn't want anyone being proud of him, he didn't deserve it.

Finding himself constantly bored meant he had a lot of time to rest, and maybe his body needed it, but his mind seemed to work against him with what he should dream when he finally fell asleep. It's not like his dreams of Thomas and him ever really went away, but his mind was consumed in other thoughts that he didn't think much about it anymore. But when he finally had so much time to think, the thoughts were there, and he definitely memorized the details of his dreams a lot better.

Thomas didn't know, he hadn't talked about it with him for a while. Not to mention that Thomas was so happy lately that he barely noticed when something was wrong. He could still read Newt in meticulous detail, but he was also in love with the boy, and that had made him blind. Newt didn't like that, he actually missed the days where Thomas would notice every little thing, even if back then, he'd complain about it and want it to stop. Now, he missed it.

It was like him finally saying I love you had become more of a burden than a blessing. And sure, Newt knew that he meant it when he'd said it to Thomas, but he may've stopped himself from telling the other the truth if he knew that it would make him so infatuated. Often overlooking details that Newt wished he could see. But maybe, Newt didn't make them clear enough. Maybe he had become better at hiding things, and Thomas only noticed the things that were in front of him.

Thomas could still see when something was wrong, or when Newt was sad, angry, or anything, but it was like Newt had locked a part of him away that Thomas could once access, now no longer visible. And Thomas couldn't understand why, he felt like Newt had made immense progress, but maybe the things that he'd let go were also the things holding him back. Because now, he only had a select few secrets left, and while they were open for Thomas to see before, they were now gone, because Newt wanted to hold on to that little bit of him he still had. He'd already lost so much of himself trying to be better, that he wanted to keep some of the things he was still familiar with. And they may've not been good things, but they were who Newt was, or still, partly, is. Losing those few things wasn't an option.