See Dot Smile

All of it

"That's crazy about Kendell," he says, his voice thin and distant. "How long have you known?"

"Since New Year's," I say.

"He's right about you. About how much you do for everybody. We owe you a lot."

Lilliana is calling out rules for some game they've started playing in the pool. Bud is throwing in a one-liner between every sentence she utters.

"About me and Ali," he says, wringing his hands. "I know it's hard to understand. But I can't just end it. Not without a reason."

My breath catches in my chest, and I clench my jaw over the words I want to say.

Am I not enough of a reason?

"I'm leaving in a week for Boston. I'll be gone all summer, and then I'll be at school, and we'll be doing the whole long-distance thing."

It's getting hard to take full breaths. My eyes are burning, my throat feels swollen. I want Bud to come back and take me home. I can't listen to any more of this.

"We've been together for so long, Dot. I'm just afraid."

"Of what?" I somehow manage to ask.

"I'm afraid I won't know who I am if I'm not with her. It's like, I already forget who I was before I met her."

I swallow over the hardened lump in my throat. "I didn't forget."

He turns and sees what he's doing to me. His expression melts into despair and he takes my face in his hands. "Oh God, Dot, don't cry. Please, don't cry." But he's crying. So, I can cry if I want to! "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to be a good guy and do the right thing. But I did everything wrong. Everything. And I'm sorry. I hurt you and I'm so... so sorry."

He pulls me into a hug and buries his face in my neck. I grab handfuls of his soft, dark hair and bring my mouth to his ear. "I love you," I whisper.

He sobs harder, pressing me against his chest so I can feel every labored breath he takes. "I love you, too," he cries. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

I break into pieces under his sobs. Why isn't this enough? We love each other. Why are things still broken? Why can't we just have this?

He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. His breath is salty and warm against my face. "My God, I want to kiss you so bad right now I'm going to scream," he says.

I slide my hand up and press my fingers over his mouth, removing the temptation. He laughs a little and covers my lips with his fingers. "Thank you," he says softly against my hand. I sniffle and nod. I run my thumb along his bottom lip and shudder as the desire to put my mouth on his returns with a vengeance.

He takes my hand in his and pulls away. Out of reach. My heart aches over the distance.

We sit side-by-side, hands interlaced, and listen to our rowdy friends celebrating the end of an era. While we're mourning one.

"I haven't forgotten everything about who I was," he says.

I squeeze his hand. It means keep talking.

"I remember being naked in the Hamilton's pool at thirteen with a girl I really liked. She was my best friend, and I wanted her to be more than that. But I was too shy to tell her. I let her get away. Or maybe I ran away. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter. Because when I was in that pool, with that girl, I made my thirteen-year-old self a promise. That someday I would grow up and marry my best friend. And I haven't let go of that promise."

He hasn't looked me in the eye. He knows how dangerous that would be. He takes my shaking hand and holds it over his chest. I feel his warm skin under his shirt and the rapid beating of his heart and put everything I have into savoring the way he feels.