hyunjin ~ scars

~ pt.4 ~

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Hyunjin wiped his eyes furiously, resisting the urge to throw his phone across the room. He was once again alone in the massive house he had been left in. Only a few staff members visited every day to bring him necessities, as he could almost never leave, but otherwise he was entirely alone. The house was huge; three floors, a home theater, a full kitchen, a home gym, and multiple spacious bedrooms. But Hyunjin had barely explored it at all, choosing instead to stay curled up in his room on his phone all day, scrolling on his private Instagram account. He knew social media was probably the absolute last thing he needed, but he felt like he had to know what was happening. Every time he saw a comment or a post talking about his hiatus, it would feel like a stab to his heart; like a reminder that while his members, his best friends in the whole universe, were out there making music and doing what they loved, he was stuck here, all alone, all because of a baseless rumor. But he couldn't tear his eyes away: he had to watch his members, watch what they achieved in his absence.

And they'd gone and done something amazing. Without him.

He'd just finished watching the broadcast of the final episode of Kingdom: Legendary War, where Stray Kids had performed "Wolfgang" as seven, then won the entire competition. Hyunjin had cheered for them throughout the whole show after he was forced to not participate, and he was so proud of them. Every stage they'd done had been incredible and captivating, and they had always deserved to win. He had teared up a little during their final performance, where Han had performed to Hyunjin's own part in the second verse, but lip-synced so that his voice could still be heard on the backing track. It touched him, and he wanted so badly to run to his best friend and give him a hug, but he wasn't allowed to communicate with them unsupervised, and he was already in enough trouble as is.

When it was announced that they had won, Hyunjin had burst into choked sobs. He'd finished the episode and cheered again and again during their speeches, but he couldn't help the rise of negative emotions that had appeared at the back of his mind. He was happy for them, proud, but he was also angry. Jealous. It felt like, since they'd all done this amazing thing as a group without him, that he wasn't as much a part of the team as they were anymore. Like they were leaving him behind. He knew that wasn't true; none of them would ever say that, and if they ever heard him say it, he would be smothered in hugs and gentle words. But he let those irrational thoughts of jealousy take over, and now he was trying not to explode. He had worked SO hard, his ENTIRE life, and all it took to change people's minds and keep him away from his band's success was ONE rumor, ONE jealous person who decided their best way to get attention was to tear his away. And every time he denied it and insisted there was no proof he had done any of it, he told there was no proof that he hadn't. Until there was, he would have to remain hidden away; not allowed to contact his friends without explicit permission, and subject to endless threats and hatred from people he once thought were his fans. All of this had been building since his hiatus began, and now he was so upset he felt like screaming his lungs out or punching the walls.

But even more so, he was sad. He loved those boys with everything, and he didn't want to lose them because of this. He missed them so much, even more than he missed STAY, and he would have given anything to just be with them again. To cry into Chan's or Changbin's broad shoulder, to cuddle with the maknaes, to laugh with Jisung, his best friend; even to be playfully teased by Minho. But he was stuck, and he felt suffocated. Like whether they intended to or not, his hyungs and dongsaengs were leaving him behind in a forest while he was still stuck in the mud.

As he paced his room, his phone now lying abandoned on his bed, and tried desperately to stop crying, his mind was racing with thought after thought of frustration and sadness. He kept asking himself what he did to deserve this, and finally he had enough. Screw the rules, screw the company: he needed to get out.