How Could I Ever [SunSun] ✓

[21] The Story

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"...I love you more than anything—but don't tell Riki I said that..."

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[Sunoo]

Would he still love me? He says he will, but if he really knew, could he? It's so easy to say that he'll still love me no matter what, because he does and there's no reason he shouldn't... as far as he knows.

Is it bad of me? I know we've only just started going out and there's a lot for me to learn about him as well, but is this too much? It almost feels like I'm keeping things from him, and he's such a good person that he won't ask so he won't rush me.

Just being next to him hurts. I care about him, but I care about him so much that I'm keeping things from him. I want him to love me, yet won't let him know everything. Is it really me that he loves? Or is it just the image I've projected so I can be the boyfriend he'll stay with? Those are the thoughts that have been flooding my mind. They're eating away at my happiness, and in a way my sanity too.

"Hyung," I called out to him softly and held onto his sleeve. He looked at me, a mouth full of pancakes, and furrowed eyebrows. I'm pretty sure he's worried. "I need to tell you everything." Just saying those words brought tears to my eyes, and that's all he needed.

He swallowed his food and held my hand. "Hey, it's okay. I told you that I don't mind—"

"But I do," I blurted out. I didn't mean to cut him off, but those words made me feel even worse every time. I didn't wanna listen. "I'm hiding myself, and it's not fair. You can say you'll still love me, but how can I know for sure if you don't know?!" Losing control of my emotions isn't my usual way of expression, but it's been lingering inside of me for years. The rage, the hatred, the regret, the embarrassment, the fear, the pain—all of it.

He froze up a little, but he stayed calm. I admire him for that. "I'm listening," he ensured. "Whatever you need to say, I'll listen."

I dropped my head in shame. I've never talked about it out loud, never had to. "My dad died a while back, when I was still an elementary student," I started simple. "That's how I met Jungwon, because our Moms are close friends. They went to school together just like we did... b-but in middle school..." it got hard to think straight. I was shaking and my heart was unsteady.

Regret is an odd feeling. Like, when you regret something, but part of you feels comforted by the fact that it happened. That's a confusing thing to feel and it drives me half mad. But he reminded me that he's here. He squeezed my hand gently and traced shapes on the back of it. He brought me back.

I cleared my throat. "Um... I had just found out that it wasn't an accident. The entire thing with my dad was a setup because he had an affair, but the woman couldn't live with the fact that he wanted to stay with my mom. And she hid it from me." I balled my hands into fists as tears slipped down my face. "I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and angry that I ran down the street to Jungwon, but being in middle school only made me more jumbled than ever. She made me feel so alone, so abandoned... I honestly can't tell you how it happened anymore, but we kissed. Jungwon and I." I kept my head down. "After that it continued on as this experimental, sexual relationship. I was confused and felt alone, but none of that lasted long. He liked me, genuinely, but I had no idea!" I started to cry again, feeling guilty. "If I had known, I wouldn't have... I would've never done that..."

Sunghoon trapped me in a hug. "It's okay, you don't have to push yourself," he told me. He sounded weak in his voice, it cracked and shook. I wonder if he started to cry too. Hope not.